Entries from March 2008
I’m not sure washing my hands thirty-six times a day makes me obsessive compulsive. Nor do I think there’s anything wrong with organizing the items on the supermarket conveyor belt as seen in the attached diagram that I bring shopping on a laminated card. But Ann says the toilet paper thing is weird. I can’t abide the TP hanging wall side down, because it doesn’t look right —and after all, do you really want your toilet paper touching the wall? This is no trouble at home, where the family has been trained in proper toilet paper deployment, but sometimes you’ll go into other people’s homes and find that they have carelessly displayed the paper in the underhand position. If you see this, do what I do: just go ahead and change it. If you don’t believe I’d do that, invite me over. And while there, I’d be happy to show you the correct way to load your dishwasher.
Categories: Home · Modern Living
Tagged: control freakiness, obsessive compulsive, quirks, supermarket, toilet paper
At church today we were asked to “Pray for those who struggle with scrupulosity.” Ann elbowed me in the ribs and asked if I understood what that meant. I said, “I don’t know, but pray for me because I’m struggling with awakeosity.”
Categories: Religion
Tagged: church, fatigue, Religion, spirituality, words
Among those arrested in Friday’s $50M sports gambling bust were Albert “Waldo” Lounello, Joseph “Oink” Carucci, Joel “Penguin” Greenfield, and Louis “Bindy” Margiasso. This got me thinking I need a nickname, so I turned to the internet. They’ve go everything on the internet these days, so it took about two seconds to find the Mob Nickname Generator, and another two seconds to be issued the alias Six Toes. I rather like the sound of that. You’d probably be called Six Toes because you’re such a serious ass kicker, it’s like you have six toes. Or maybe because you literally have SIX TOES, which isn’t as cool, but still interesting. Feel free to post your new mob nickname in comments. To save you the trouble, I looked up the mob names of a few well known local figures… (more…)
Categories: News · The Internets
Tagged: crime, feet, gambling, nicknames
When WNYT producer Sheila Conolly needed an irate middle-aged man for a news promo, she knew exactly where to find one. I’ve been in lots of spots, but for some reason, everyone and their brother saw this one. Now -everywhere I go- people are wagging their finger at me, saying “Don’t talk back!” I stopped running it on the air so much after a barista at Starbucks recognized me. Now I keep the shades on when I’m jonesing for a non-fat latte, what with my newfound fame and all. Even after all this time, I forget that the TV is a powerful and potentially dangerous tool. Watch it here: (more…)
Categories: Work
Tagged: advertising, bad acting, coffee, tools, tv
Albany County D.A. David Soares showed off a new system last night for reporting crimes via text message. David Soares has obviously never seen me text. Here’s me texting for help:
…i…a…m…b…e…i…n…g…r…o…b…b…e…d…
Ten minutes later, the alleged perpetrator would be half way to Schenectady. And since it’s likely my phone is set wrong, “I am being robbed” will come out as “g bo cfdhmi snffdf.” I hope they have a cryptographer down there. Hey, I’m fairly tech savvy, but there’s something about those big clumsy thumbs on that tiny little keypad that doesn’t work for me. For now I’ll just dial 911.
Categories: Modern Living
Tagged: cell phones, current events, texting
I’m pretty sure that in ten years there will be big money in tattoo removal —in fact, if you can find a company that makes those tattoo erasing lasers, buy stock. I came home to find that Alex had celebrated his twentieth birthday with some new ink. He hoisted up his shirt and showed me his shoulder, and the brand new bloody skull with an eye patch. I said the first thing that came to mind: “Cool.” I caught hell for this later. “Your job,” I was informed, “Is not to tell him that it’s ‘Cool,’ your job is to tell him that it’s stupid.” I started to explain about how he’s expressing himself and he needs to make these decisions, and after all, it’s too late anyway. No dice. “Well,” I went on, “If he’d gotten a picture of Jesus tattooed on his back, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” That, I found, was not the best argument to make on Good Friday. Have a look at after the jump. (more…)
Categories: Kids
Tagged: bad ideas, family, Marriage, tattoos
So the heel starts coming apart on my favorite dress shoes and I get out the Gorilla Glue. Twelve-year-old Zack walks in and gapes at me, launching into a rant about my reckless disregard for the earth and its creatures. What are you talking about, I ask. Gorilla Glue dad? Gorilla Glue! What’s wrong with you —you’re using glue made from gorillas? Aren’t they endangered? I turn the bottle around and show him that “gorillas” are not listed on the ingredients. He’s not satisfied, so I go to the internet and find the technical data. Plenty of Diphenylmethane-diisocyanate, but no gorillas. My shoe is fixed, but if I develop foot cancer someday, please remember that I documented the use of this hazardous product on my blog. And that I did my part to save the gorillas.
Categories: Modern Living
Tagged: diy, fixing things, gorillas, Kids
We’ve all heard that dog’s mouths are cleaner than ours, and that dog saliva has magic healing properties. Let’s hope so. Our Australian Shepherd, Scarlett, has a built in homing system that aims her snout directly at mine, and like a heat seeking missile her tongue targets my mouth. If I don’t pay attention, she finds it. Occasionally, paying attention is no defense since she’ll creep up when I’m sleeping and begin licking me full on the mouth. I suppose I should feel flattered by her interest in thrusting her tongue into my gob, but she is a dog and I am a human, and ours is a love that no one would ever understand.
Categories: Home
Tagged: dogs, forbidden love, pets
I can cook and clean and do laundry as well as my mother, but let’s face it: there are some things that men are not able to handle. No, I’m not talking about childbirth, I am talking about corsages. Do not trust a man to order a corsage unless he’s given specific and exact instructions. We don’t know what you are wearing or what goes with it, nor do we particularly care. Yet if we call the florist to order a corsage -like I did for Easter today- the conversation goes like this:
Florist: What color flower would you like?
Me: I don’t know.
Florist: Well…what is she wearing?
Me: I have no idea. What goes with everything?
Florist: White.
Me: White is perfect.
Florist: What color ribbon would you like with that?
Me: It comes with a ribbon? Does that cost extra?
You get the idea. I ended up with a single white rose and a pale yellow ribbon. The ribbon, by the way, cost me nothing but goes with most everything. I will teach my sons that on Easter and Mother’s Day, flowers are nice but something that your wife can wear around all day long is even nicer.
Categories: Home
Tagged: Marriage, men, wisdom
