Entries from April 2008
Last year I seriously considered giving each of my employees a basket of fireworks for Christmas. I even went and bought baskets at the dollar store. Roman candles, sparklers, and things that shoot in the air and go boom are a great way to celebrate the holidays, right? Of course —but they’re also illegal in New York, and bringing illegal stuff to the office and handing it out might have been frowned upon. I wrote this off as another crazy idea until I got my recent e-newsletter from Phantom Fireworks, which has a store conveniently located just over the Vermont border in Hinsdale, NH.
In observance of Administrative Professionals Day, they suggested “Products such as FORTRESS OF FIRE, STELLAR PERFORMANCE, DA BOMB, or WICKEDLY AWESOME to show how much you appreciate your administrative assistant.” See how messed up things are in this state? Secretaries in Pennsylvania can have fireworks, but hard working TV producers in New York can’t. I say it’s time for a change, Governor Paterson.
Categories: Work
Tagged: bad ideas
Madeo runs in the 7th race Wednesday at Hollywood Park with Mike Smith taking the mount. You may recall Smith from a little race called the Kentucky Derby, where in 2005 he took 50-1 long shot Giacomo to the winner’s circle. Or his Preakness victory in 1993. Or those ten Breeder’s Cup wins. Oh, by the way: Smith is slated to ride Arkansas Derby winner Gayego in the big one Saturday at Churchill Downs.
I’ve said before that betting on names is for suckers, but how can you say no to this one? Marjorie Madeo, my French Facebook friend, tells me that the word madeo means cool in the Breton language, which is spoken in parts of Brittany. That settles it, wouldn’t you say?
Approximate post time 7:25 on the east coast, so hit OTB on the way home.
Categories: News
Tagged: gambling, sports, words
Yeah, that’s my record as a soccer coach.
When Alex was six I went to sign him up for soccer. When I was a kid, nobody played soccer, at least no Americans -but this was 1996, and in 1996 American kids played soccer. Everything went well until I got to the volunteer table. “How’d you like to coach,” they asked. Coach? I told them I didn’t know the rules or the positions. Or exactly how the game is played. “That’s not a problem. You’ll learn.”
So I got a video from the library and watched the whole thing twice, taking notes on drills and writing down bits of jargon. I went to Dick’s and got myself a whistle and a soccer ball. And cleats.
At the first practice my two assistant coaches saw the cleats and whistle and figured me for an expert. I wasn’t about to tell them otherwise. The parents were asking questions, but not about about soccer, all they wanted to know was if we had a popsicle schedule. The kids were out of control. It was chaos, but as unqualified people everywhere know, enthusiasm is a good substitute for skill. So I got enthusiastic.
By the end of the season I was suspicious that the player selection had been rigged. Every other team had a couple of highly skilled kids who held things together. My team? They were prone to daydream and run in packs —and there wasn’t a decent goalie in the whole bunch. We lost every week but everyone played, everyone had fun, and everyone had popsicles after the game.
Categories: Kids
Tagged: sports, suburbs
I write a lot of copy every week. Mostly it’s not worth $65,000 per word, but I was especially proud of this sentence: A NEW HOME FOR DOGS LIVING LIKE PIGS IN THE FILTHY HOUSE OF A NEGLECTFUL BREEDER. If dogs are living like pigs, you know things are really bad.
Now this from the amusing typo file: WHEN NEW YORK STATE BUILT THE THRUWAY, THEY PROMISED TO ELIMINATE TROLLS SOME DAY. That’s very good since there are so many bridges on the Thruway.
Here’s an especially absurd idea: SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT YOUR CAR MAKES A STATEMENT; COMING UP, THE STORY OF A CAR THAT DOESN’T JUST MAKE A STATEMENT, IT SHOUTS OUT A MESSAGE OF PEACE AND TOLERANCE. I wonder if that’s covered under the warranty?
Next, there’s something wrong here but I’m not sure what: HANSON-MANIA STRIKES THE CAPITAL REGION —AND WE FELT QUITE A SURGE OF IT RIGHT HERE AT CHANNEL 13 TODAY! OK, that’s what’s wrong: saying surge, mania, and Hanson in the same five seconds .
Finally, my favorite literary technique, good news/bad news: NICE WEATHER —BUT DANGEROUSLY DRY. LIVE AT ELEVEN.
Categories: Work
Tagged: advertising, cars, dogs, words
Home late from work one night, I was met at the door by two hungry boys. Instead of just running out to Wendy’s or ordering a pizza, I announced that it was hobo night. I started pulling cans out of the cabinet and putting them in a paper bag. What are you making they wanted to know. Nothing. Hobos don’t make dinner, they eat whatever they can find —or steal. Zack asks, “What did we steal?” We stole a bag of canned goods, I explained. From the food pantry. That cheered them up. We went out back and sat on the deck with our bag of stolen food pantry loot, a pocket knife, and three spoons.
I told hobo stories about jumping freight cars and being chased through rail yards by the bulls. We picked some hobo names: Rhode Island Rob, Screwdriver, and Patchy. We dug into our beans and SpagettiOs. Alex ate half a can of sauerkraut. Desert was a big can of peaches. The moon was out and it was getting dark and it was good to be a hobo.
Categories: Home · Kids
Tagged: cooking, family, food
We’re in the wrong business. Statmats, a company that specializes in marketing and advertising for higher education got paid $260,000 to pen this slogan for UAlbany: The World Within Reach. A UAlbany student wrote to the newspaper complaining that this prices out at $65,000 a word. He must be a math major.
I’ve come up with a slogan or two in my time. In fact, if you live near Albany you might recognize them. I was not paid $65,000 per word, but using that as a benchmark, my most lucrative single job (eight words) would have netted me $520,000. One of the words in that one was “there’s.” Believe me, if I were being paid by the word, I would never have used a contraction in that slogan. It would have been “there is” and I would have pocketed an extra sixty-five large. Ha.
It may sound like I’m being absurd to make a point, but I’m not. Some of the things I wrote were worth $65,000 per word if not many times more. Seriously. Think about it: how much do you think “Just Do It” was worth per word? Or “Mmm…Mmm…Good?” Mmm isn’t even a word, but its value to Campbell Soup is easily in the nine figure range.
If this UAlbany thing ends up another hollow phrase that means nothing, as many slogans do, then they’ve thrown the money away. If they embrace it and makes it part of their being -if they live it and breathe it and believe it- then they’ve made a great investment.
Categories: Work
Tagged: advertising, marketing, words
Nothing’s more satisfying than handing someone a pile of cash to do something you could yourself with the right tools. And a hydraulic lift. And maybe a class at HVCC. But after a $500 brake job, you don’t expect to hear a grating noise when your car is backing up. And I did.
SCRAPE-SCRAPE-SCRAPE! What the f…? That can’t be right. Not after my $500 BRAKE JOB! I pull out of the parking space and there it is again. SCRAPETY-SCRAPETY-SCRAPE. Now I’m furious —and getting ready to drive up (street name deleted) and march right into (repair shop deleted) to give those crooks a piece of my mind. A typical guy reaction at this point is to think, “Hmmmm. Maybe I can fix this myself.” Since ancient times this has been the undoing of many fine men, but I stuck my head under the fender and inspected the place where the wheel is connected to the that other thing. Nothing. I dropped to my belly and edged under the car. Well, that’s your problem right there. I reached way back and yanked out a branch that had stuck to the undercarriage. The rest of the afternoon? I basked in the smug satisfaction of my manly trifecta: smart, handy, and thrifty.
Categories: Modern Living
Tagged: automotive, cars, diy, fixing things
The Times Union asked people to send in their favorite movie memories for an upcoming story. My favorite is the time I took Alex to see “Rocketeer” when he was three-years-old. At one point, he crawled out of his seat and up into my lap to watch the movie. It was a one of those great father-son moments I’ll never forget —especially the part where he started peeing. He was so engrossed in the movie he neglected to tell me he had to hit the bathroom and at one point just let loose. Since the kid was was just recently out of diapers, I had brought extra pants and underwear for him. I did not have extra pants and underwear for me, and left the theater with a broad wet stain on the front of my khaki pants.
A father’s love manifests itself in many ways, so the next time you see someone who looks like he wet his pants, just remember that you may really be witnessing a father’s love. Well, maybe there’s a better way to explain that, but you get the idea.
Categories: Kids
Tagged: bodily fluids, entertainment, parenting
It’s National TV-Turnoff Week, which I once wrote should be called National Get Off Your Fat Ass And Do Something Week. Now that I’m older and wiser, I realize that was a little harsh. A little harsh but maybe a little true.
Moderation, my friends, is the key to happiness. Turning off the TV for an entire week will inevitably lead to TV binging, and binging of any kind is always bad. Here’s what to do: watch less TV for a few days. Drop some things that you don’t really care about. Don’t deprive yourself of what you love, but cut out what you don’t need. And by the way, those of us who work in TV would appreciate it if you get this out of your system by Thursday, because Thursday is the first day of May Sweeps. Actually, maybe Thursday would be a good day to watch a little more local news. With your whole family. Especially if you have a ratings diary. Then go out for a walk.
Categories: News
Tagged: entertainment, family, News, tv
Hoosick Falls was declared as having Rensselaer County’s best tasting water on Thursday. Who knew? I guess this means the village will see an invasion of “city people” driving up housing costs and opening pricey boutiques on Church Street. That’s what happens, you know. People from New York or Boston with a yen for the simple life cast an eye to the sticks. And everybody’s looking for a bargain. Not to mention the next Columbia County. Places like Hoosick Falls are one New York Times story away from ruin or renaissance, depending on your point of view. So stop in and have a glass of water on your way to Manchester. It may not taste so great in couple of years.
Categories: Modern Living · News
Tagged: capital region, real estate
