I’m constantly having to stop to go to the bathroom, to the point that it’s a big joke in my family. Hahahaha… Dad’s going pee again. Hilarious.
Just to set the record straight, there’s nothing wrong with me, I just like to stay well-hydrated — and all that water has to go somewhere. As a result, I’ve peed in some pretty weird places — but one thing I’ve never done is take a leak on TV, like Chargers kicker Nick Novak.
There was 1:34 left in Sunday’s game against Denver and the score was tied at 13-13 — so really, the last thing a placekicker can do is disappear from the sidelines when the game hangs in the balance. This was his solution:
OK, that’s a bit crazy, but what would you do?
While ESPN The Magazine did a fascinating story about pooping during games, less has been written about urinating. If I were Novak I probably would have just let it rip, right in my pants, because it seems unlikely anyone would have noticed they were wet. I can’t speak for whether it would influence his kicking.
There is no easy answer to this situation — and Depends are out of the question when wearing such tight pants — but we must salute Mr. Novak for being able pee with so many people watching. That takes true concentration.
Unfortunately, Mr. Novak’s concentration failed him in overtime as he sent a 53-yarder wide right, and the Broncos went on to win the game.
You’ve heard the old saw about water conservation: If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.
You wouldn’t think this requires any further explanation, but as usual, the devil’s in the details.
Yes, if it’s brown flush it down. Always. And if it’s yellow? Sure, go ahead and let it mellow — but only if you are at home. In a public restroom, you should not let it mellow. Never.
The gentlemen who use the urinal on my floor have decided that if it’s yellow, they will let it mellow. This means that when you step up to the plate to do your business at the urinal, you’ll be peeing into a pool of dirt water. To avoid being splashed by urine of unknown origin, I flush first.
If that makes me sound crazy, so be it. You probably also think it’s crazy to flush the urinal with your elbow. The long and short of this is do whatever you want in your home, but when in town, flush it down, OK?
African Black Soap? I found this on the counter in the bathroom — and whenever I find anything in the bathroom I look at the price. It’s always amazing to me what people will pay for shampoos, soaps, and exotic grooming potions. I was not disappointed: twelve bucks!
Regardless of the name, African Black Soap isn’t quite black, but brown and has the consistency of tar. As for the African part, it says right on the label that it’s a “Product of Africa.” That’s not very specific, but it’s specific enough for me, being an American.
I will say this, though: the stuff sure smells good, but twelve dollars good? Whatever. I guess if all it takes is twelve bucks to avail you of this soap’s miraculous properties, so be it. Just read the label: along with all the usual soap duties, it’s good for fungus and ringworm. That’s priceless.
It would be exaggerating to call myself an insomniac, but even though I fall asleep like a champ, staying asleep has gotten to be an issue.
I’ll wake in the middle of the night and find the dogs staring at me, which usually means they need to go out. Or not. Sometimes they just want to go see what’s dwelling in the dark corners of the yard.
Other nights the fire department pager will wake me up, which means getting dressed and going for a ride. Those fire calls are usually nothing — but try falling back to sleep after having yourself jolted awake with a shot of adrenalin.
Now there may be a solution: keeping your brain cool. Researchers found that insomniacs were able to fall asleep more easily while wearing a water cooled cap that lowers their brain temperature. It makes perfect sense. When you’re in bed and your mind is racing, of course your brain is going to start heating up. And who could sleep with a boiling brain?
I wasn’t able to find one of those caps online; the closest thing on Google was a cooling pillow called the Chillow to go under your head, not around. Does that sound like a good idea, cooling only one part of your brain? Certainly not; it could just lead to more trouble.
This all gave me a terrific idea: if I can beat everyone else to market with a brain cooling cap, I’ll make my fortune. Sounds great doesn’t it? Perhaps you’d like a piece of the action. With my marketing savvy and your money, we just may be able to retire. You know where to find me.
Adults read the paper while eating breakfast. Kids read the back of the cereal box.
My taste in cereal may have grown up, back I still enjoy perusing the back panel — and what I discovered today nearly made my choke. It seems my Fiber One has become a chick cereal.
I can hear you now. “Oh, Rob, don’t be an idiot. Cereal is gender neutral.”
Sure, but how do you explain this whole Hungry Girl thing?
Hungry Girl is New York Times bestselling author and Cooking Channel host Lisa Lillien. She’s clearly a gifted marketer who has a background in TV — plus she’s married to producer Dan Schneider, who, as creator of shows like iCarly and Drake and Josh, is often referred to as “the Norman Lear of children’s television.”
Anyway, now my Fiber One is the Hungry Girl cereal. Please, Fiber One? This stuff, considered by experts to be the cluster bomb of high-fiber cereals, is not for the faint of heart. Clocking at a gut busting 28 grams of fiber per one cup serving, it’s like Colon Blow come to life.
I shall not be deterred. Marketing deals come and go, and just as Rachel Ray no longer smiles at me from my box of Triscuits, Hungry Girl will go her merry way as well.
Have you noticed that the grocery store provides disinfectant wipes to clean off the handle of your shopping cart? Now we know why.
A recent study found that 72% of carts tested were contaminated by fecal bacteria. Ack! Let me paint you a filthy, dirty picture: you touch the handle, touch your food, touch the handle, touch some more food, and so on.
I’ve only counted one person actually using those wipes to decon their shopping cart. Me.
Meanwhile, here’s something new: one well known local grocery store now has carts equipped with cup holders. This makes it easier to enjoy a beverage while doing your shopping. I don’t know about you, but I like having a cup of coffee while I cruise up and down the aisles. That’s how I roll.
Here’s the part where we get crazy: that cup holder is awfully close to the handle. You don’t suppose… ah, nevermind. Enjoy your coffee.
You’ve seen those electronic monitoring bracelets they strap around your ankle, right? They’re commonly used to keep track of folks sentenced to home confinement — and now they even have models that detect alcohol. Nobody likes being watched, but it sure beats going to jail.
The truth is that we act differently when our actions are being recorded — and now they’ve harnessed the power of Big Brother to make you more accountable in your exercise routine, too.
I recently started using a GPS device to track my running. It looks like a big sports watch, but it maps your route, pace, and time. With the monitor that I strap around my chest, it also records my heart rate.
And after a week, I’m running better. Less likely to stop, pushing harder, more determined. Why? It’s the Mr. Redden effect.
In high school we had a gym teacher named Tom Redden. He was a wiry, tough as nails retired Marine who you didn’t dare talk back to. Mr. Redden didn’t just scoot up the ropes in the gym, he did so with his feet pointed upward, pulling himself hand over hand to the ceiling.
He made gym class and football practice like boot camp; you could do that back then. Above all, he was always watching — and when he was watching you did your best.
Now after all these years it’s like having him back, riding along on my wrist, yelling at me to get my sorry ass moving. And I am.
How many of you use nifty tricks to avoid coming into contact with anything in the men’s room?
Not that I have a problem touching filthy, germ covered objects in a place where guys have been handling their privates and wiping themselves with flimsy paper. No, that doesn’t bother me at all — this is just purely hypothetical.
This video I produced demonstrates both the One Elbow Urinal Tap and the ever-popular Foot Flush.
If you are especially limber, you might try a Foot Flush on the urinal, but remember: if you fall in the men’s room you’ll need to burn your clothes.
Anyway, you should never touch those things with your hands, except at home. Well, you probably don’t have a urinal at home, unless you are Matt Baumgartner.
One more thing: always exercise caution when shooting video in public bathrooms. A little common sense goes a long way.
I was convinced for long time that I had lead poisoning. This was back when we owned a two family house in Albany, and I spent a lot of time scraping and sanding surfaces covered in old paint.
As with any older building, the exposure to paint chips and dust while working was unavoidable.
According to Wikipedia (the official Keyboard Krumbs research department) the symptoms of lead poisoning include, “insomnia, delirium, cognitive deficits.” Hmmm. Sounded like me. It seemed the more I worked, the stupider I acted.
This brought on nagging thoughts of how the lead may have derailed my career path. What could I have achieved if not for the lead poisoning? Did it prevent me from getting a master’s degree? Writing a book? Starting my own company?
We’ll never know.
The new obsession is toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection that can be picked up from your cat. You can actually get it from handling their poop or changing the litter. And there’s new evidence that it could make you nutty.
Basically, we found that having toxoplasma raises the risk of schizophrenia about twofold, compared to the rest of the population. Toxoplasma probably functions through a pathway called dopamine. We know that dopamine is abnormal in schizophrenia, but the reason why it’s abnormal is not really completely clear. Another behavior which appears to be altered is the individuals with toxoplasma appear to take more risks, in terms of driving a motor vehicle and also being a pedestrian.
I’m beginning to think that maybe a little less information about health might not be a bad thing — but if I get hit by a car, write this on my tombstone:
Last week, Kevin Marshall, local blogger and raconteur, wrote of how he’s being plagued by nipple chafing. That sounds a little nutty — unless you’re a runner.
Kevin’s gearing up for his first 5K and has been experiencing trouble that many runners have stumbled over: raw, red nipples caused by friction from your shirt. Ouch!
I had this problem years ago, largely because I was wearing cotton t-shirts. When those get wet, you might as well be wearing sandpaper against your tender bits — and it occasionally got so bad that I’d end up with two big bloody stains on the front of my shirt. Watching me run is not pretty to begin with, but add the bloody shirt and it’s a completely revolting spectacle.
I don’t have the problem now because I always wear a Coolmax or Under Armor style shirt as my first layer. Hikers say “cotton kills?”Well, it also kills your nips. I do still sometimes get chafing from my fireman suspenders, but that’s another story. Maybe that’s why we wear red suspenders?
Anyway, I’m here to help.
If you’re having nipple trouble, get yourself a roll of Nexcare Durapore tape. It’s comfortable, will protect you, and will stay on your nipples without peeling off — even in the shower if you want to leave it on for a few days. Just remember to take your little pasties off if you happen to be going to the pool or beach.