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The Glenmont Cat Wrangler

The big news in town? The cat situation on Pineridge Place. It seems that neighborhood felines have taken a liking to the quiet cul-de-sac making it their favorite place to relieve themselves. The issue as been covered by both the Times Union and our local weekly paper, The Spotlight, who say the cats have “Turned the area into a giant litter box.”

One resident claims, “The whole street just stinks. You can’t even walk around the circle without the scent of cat urine and feces knocking you down.”

On top of that she claims that her toddler was going around the yard picking up cat poop. “I want my child to be able to play outside in the dirt, but she can’t because the outside is a litter box.”

That’s a pretty funny quote, isn’t it? Anyway, the bottom line is now these folks want a law that would prohibit residents from letting cats roam free.

I have a better idea. There’s a guy in town who calls himself the Delmar Dog Butler who makes his living cleaning up dog crap in your backyard. I’m thinking of becoming the Glenmont Cat Wrangler.

People say you can’t herd cats, but those people have never met my dogs. These two actually can herd cats and for a very reasonable fee I’d be willing to turn them loose on Pineridge Place. They will not merely run the cats off but encircle and move them away from your property.

That’s not all. Maddy, the black and white one, has quite an appetite for cat poop so she will not only herd cats but clean up your yard. Don’t be fooled by the sweet face —to her cat feces is like filet mignon.

Just remember not to let her kiss you on the mouth.

Poop Chute

DSC_0095When you have two dogs the question of poop becomes an issue. Enter the Doggie Dooley Pet Waste Disposal System. It’s described as, “A miniature septic tank for you dog’s waste.”

That’s pretty accurate but I prefer to call it, “A disgusting pit for dog crap filled with revolting water that has a tendency to splash up at you.”

When this thing arrived at my house I was skeptical —even before I dug the three foot pit required for installation. I especially got a kick out of the Doggie Dooley logo, which is supposed to be a dog reading the paper while kinda sorta taking a crap. Yes, that’s exactly how it works —except the dogs don’t read the paper, you still need to pick up the poop, and every time you use it you risk being splashed by a vile brew of water and dog feces.

But hey, what are you going to do, throw that stuff over the fence?

Transylvania 6-5000

Remember the movie “Borat?” The village at the beginning of the film was supposed to be Kazakhstan, but the producers couldn’t find a place in Kazakhstan backwards enough to be Borat’s home town. So they went to Romania. And Romania is where I may be going next summer.

My wife’s family escaped from the Transylvania region of the Eastern European country before the communists took over —but she’s quick to remind you that her people were ethnic Hungarians, not Romanian. After all, Hungarians would never allow their trains to be a mess like those described here in the Rough Guide to Romania:

Tickets are incredibly cheap, but this is offset by the habitually derelict carriages, bizarre timetable and sweltering/freezing conditions. Often crowded, trains frequently lack light and water, making long journeys somewhat purgatorial.

OK, so the trains aren’t great —but how about the food? I’m looking forward to trying the muschi ciobanesc, which is pork stuffed with ham, covered in cheese, and served with mayo and cucumbers on the side. Mmmmmm… pork stuffed with ham.

Anyhow, an adventure like this takes planning so I hope you’ll join me here as I prepare for my journey to the armpit of Europe.

Waiting For a Handout

This is what it looks like while I’m making lunch in the morning. It’s nice to be popular.

That’s Funny…

I don’t remember saying I’d like another cat roaming around the house but someone brought this kitten home over the weekend. What am I going to do say, “Bring it back”?

You can’t tell from this picture but she has no tail. Maybe that’s why she was free.

You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

thirsty!

8 Simple Rules For Walking On My Hardwood Floors

FloorsTo my family: As we near the completion of the flooring project this would be a good time to point out a thing or two. Brazilian cherry is known for its beauty and durability -indeed it’s renowned as an extremely hard hardwood- but to preserve the quality of this material and honor the tireless work that went into its installation certain steps must be taken:

  1. No high heels. Some of us remember the dimples they left on the floors in Albany and it wasn’t pretty.
  2. No soccer cleats. That may sound like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.
  3. Do not carry items that are sharp or have angular edges while traversing the Brazilian cherry.
  4. No open flames are allowed in rooms with the new flooring.
  5. It is impractical to keep the dogs off the floors and it would be cruel to have them de-clawed so they must wear Muttluks Hott Doggers Dog Boots or other approved footwear.
  6. Please stay on the runners and area rugs and avoid stepping the exposed wood portion of the floor.
  7. Promptly wipe up standing water.
  8. Immediately report any incidents involving the floor. You are better off fessing up immediately than being caught later.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Kanine Korner

Dogs have so many charming habits: drinking from toilets, butt licking, rolling in dead fish, feasting on garbage… there are really too many to list here. But few things are more off-putting than poop eating. You may not find the idea of eating poop very appealing, but some dogs can’t get enough of it —and it’s such an issue that there are products to make them stop, like Doctor’s Foster and Smith Extra Strength Dis-Taste.

As it says in the catalog: “Improved formulas created by our veterinarians help break the disturbing habit of stool eating.”

Oh, yes disturbing and disgusting. Nauseating, even. So how does this miraculous cure work? “Digestive aid helps by making feces taste awful to your dog.”

That’s right: in the world of dogs up is down, right is wrong, two plus two equals five, and poop tastes like filet mignon.

One caveat: this product must be given to the dog whose poop is being eaten —not the dog doing the eating. Unless they are one in the same of course. And this won’t stop your dog from eating cat poop. If Fido considers it his job to keep the litter box tidy you will need For-Bid, which is advertised as making cat crap taste bad. Who knew we needed special stuff to do that?

Now go give your dog a big kiss on the mouth.

Tool Time

A lot of paint cans are now made of plastic and if you try prying them open with a screwdriver you butcher the lid. That’s why I picked up one of those little metal tools for popping open the cans that you always see at the paint counter. Works like a charm —and I also discovered what the round end is for: opening beer bottles.

This makes perfect sense. Adding a little beer makes paint go on smoother and contributes to the overall quality of the project. And nobody ever cut off their fingers off while painting.
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CSI: Glenmont

3/27/09

On Thursday, March 26 Ann Madeo of (address redacted), Glenmont reported three incidents of suspected canine vandalism. It is believed that they occurred on or around March 25.

According to Mrs. Madeo a copy of of William Patrick’s Saving Troy was discovered in the master bedroom with its cover ripped off, a 2.6 cubic foot hole was found dug in the backyard, and the molding surrounding the downstairs hall closet door was damaged.

Teeth marks were apparent on both the book and molding. Close examination of the hole clearly showed marks in the dirt consistent with the size and shape of a dog’s paw.

Two Australian Shepherds residing in the home were interviewed separately. Both were cooperative while questioned, but neither admitted any knowledge of the incidents. It was observed that the dog known as Scarlett had flecks of dirt on the area around her nose.

The initial results of the investigation were inconclusive. DNA analysis is an option, but may be prohibitively expensive when weighed against the cost of repair and replacement.

Because it is possible that some of the damaged material was ingested, it was recommended that Mrs. Madeo collect the fecal matter of the dogs. It may be possible to recover undigested content related to the damage, and while this does not constitute absolute proof, it could be considered a strong indication of involvement.

It was further suggested that if there are repeated incidents of this nature, video surveillance be employed to provide a record of of events when the human occupants are away from the household.