Category Archives: Marriage

Smells Like Trouble

We went to pick up my 14-year-old after a dance at school last week. He gets in the car and my wife says, “Why were you drinking?”

Wow! Talk about an aggressive interrogation technique —where did that come from, Law & Order?

We’ve been down this road before. You learn to spot the signs and what questions to ask. When my older son was in high school I once followed his footprints in the snow to the spot where he and a friend hid their empties. Another time I threatened to drag him down to the police station for a breathalyser.

Teenage drinking has been around as long as there have been teenagers and alcohol, and that’s a long time. The cat and mouse game between parents and their kids would be comical if not for the inevitable tragedies fueled by booze.

So, how did you know he was drinking, anyway?

“I could smell it.”

Then I realized that what she caught a whiff of wasn’t my son’s breath, but the huge dollop of Purell I’d squirted into my hands as he was getting in the car. I’m obsessed with that stuff.

Bottom line: trust, but verify —and if your kid tells you it’s just Purell smell his hands.

Important Advice For Men #48

Gentlemen: if you’re going to say or do something stupid it’s best not do so when there are knives within reach. For example:

ROGERSVILLE, TN – A Hawkins County woman was charged Monday with aggravated domestic assault after she allegedly stabbed her husband in the face during an altercation while making lunch. The alleged victim, Jeremy Trent, told Hilton that he was in a verbal dispute with his wife when he called her an ugly name. Kingsport Times-News

SCRANTON, PA – A city woman was arrested early Tuesday for allegedly threatening her ex-husband with a knife. Katherine Miraval, 25, of Depot Street was charged with aggravated assault, burglary and reckless endangerment. Ms. Miraval allegedly woke Mr. Palomares by entering his bedroom with a 12-inch kitchen knife, saying they would either rekindle their relationship or both die. Scranton Times Tribune

WATERTOWN, NY – Renee E. Gokey, 38, of 235 Central St., was charged by Watertown police Tuesday with second-degree menacing, third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, second-degree harassment, first-degree unlawful imprisonment and resisting arrest. Police alleged she punched her boyfriend, Robert C. Rennie, 38, in the back of the head, tackled him, pointed a large bowie knife and stated “I will kill you before you leave” during an incident in their home.Newzjunky.com

LAKE KATRINE, NY – A man was stabbed by his girlfriend Thursday morning but lied to investigators about who attacked him in an effort to protect the woman, according to the town police chief. The man, Adam Alo, 21, was stabbed with a steak knife in the upper chest and left arm and suffered non-life-threatening injuries, according to the town of Ulster Police Department. Alo’s girlfriend, Shaquan London, 20, of Leggs Mill Road, was arrested later in the day, charged with felony assault and sent to the Ulster County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail, police said. Kingston Daily Freeman

AUSTIN, MN – A 21-year-old Austin woman is accused of slashing a man in the back with a knife, biting him in the chest and smashing his vehicle’s windows with a baseball bat Saturday night. Juana Viviana Lopez, is charged with single felony counts of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon and making terroristic threats, as well as a lesser count of fourth-degree property damage. The man told police Lopez was upset because he still was married to a woman in Mexico. In a police interview, the man said he was almost asleep when Lopez attacked him. As he tried to get away, Lopez allegedly kicked him in the groin and grabbed a kitchen knife, saying, “I’m going to kill you.” He ran outside but was chased by Lopez for a block, the complaint says. Austin Post-Bulletin

Big Box Store

In my house we cling to the quaint old habit of reading stories to each other from the newspaper.

“Hmmm…It says here that Wal-Mart’s now selling caskets.”

My wife Ann nearly did a Danny Thomas spit take. She knew what I was thinking.

“I swear to God if you buy me at coffin at WalMart I’m going to come back and haunt you.”

big box

We’ve had this conversation before. To me a box is a box and since I’d sort of prefer to be cremated putting me in an expensive piece of furniture seems like a terrible waste. I’d be OK with a cardboard container or a Hefty bag or something. It’s been made clear that is she goes before I do -which is statistically improbable- she expects the best of everything: beautiful coffin, well-appointed funeral home, harpist…

“You get mad at me because I won’t use coupons at Price Chopper. —and now you don’t want me to shop around for something expensive like a funeral?”

Cue the stare.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but just in case I’d better pay attention to her wishes. By the way —I wonder if you buy one of those coffins they can pack your other purchases inside? Shipping an empty box also seems wasteful.

Wal-Mart: The Big Box Store

In my house we cling to the quaint old habit of reading stories to each other from the newspaper.

“Hmmm…It says here that Wal-Mart’s now selling caskets.”

My wife Ann nearly did a Danny Thomas spit take. She knew what I was thinking.

“I swear to God if you buy me at coffin at WalMart I’m going to come back and haunt you.”

big box

We’ve had this conversation before. To me a box is a box and since I’d sort of prefer to be cremated putting me in an expensive piece of furniture seems like a terrible waste. I’d be OK with a cardboard container or a Hefty bag or something. It’s been made clear that is she goes before I do -which is statistically improbable- she expects the best of everything: beautiful coffin, well-appointed funeral home, harpist…

“You get mad at me because I won’t use coupons at Price Chopper. —and now you don’t want me to shop around for something expensive like a funeral?”

Cue the stare.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but just in case I’d better pay attention to her wishes. By the way —I wonder if you buy one of those coffins they can pack your other purchases inside? Shipping an empty box also seems wasteful.

The Witching Hour

Some say that a Halloween costume is a window into the soul that reveals your subconscious mind. Let’s hope not.

I had planned to dress as a Jedi knight for a party last Saturday night but somewhere along the line things went terribly awry. Instead of a wise and noble warrior with a light saber I somehow ended up as a witch. Think Dame Edna meets Margaret Hamilton meets Janeane Garofalo.

Half the fun of Halloween is making your costume and the most interesting part of this project was filling the $5 bra that came from WalMart. 44D, since I know you’re wondering. After doing extensive research on the internet I found that stuffing a stocking with rice is a method favored by frugal transvestites everywhere. Don’t look this up at work. As you can see here I weighed them to guarantee uniformity.

Overall the project was a big success and fortunately I was only hit on once. The next morning I was feeling a little off from the late night and rich food. My wife, Ann, quipped, “Maybe you’re getting your period.”

Ha ha.

I Married a Celebrity

If you have not seen this commercial then that makes you the only person in a 100 mile radius who missed it. What makes this spot so special is that my wife, Ann, is prominently featured starring as The Woman Who Bought a Grill at Price Chopper. Have a look:

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/6823830]
You might figure that people she knows are coming up and fussing over her new-found fame, but complete strangers? I’ve even had people at my new job upon meeting me ask, “Is that your wife in the Price Chopper commercial?”

Sure, I’ve been on TV a few times but compared to her role as a Chopper Shopper I’m a complete C-lister. That’s OK. I’m good with keeping my mouth shut and smiling, assuming the role of arm candy. After all, that’s what I’ve been doing for 22 wonderful years.

Quotable Moments On the Road In Syracuse

I’m not hungry, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Maybe I’ll be hungry after I throw up.

You’re like a human GPS. Except with no sense of direction.

I’m not taking a nap. I’m 13, not 48.

No, you can’t see the map and yes, I do know where I’m going.

What, you can’t eat lunch while someone’s talking about colonoscopies?

Sure, we could stop at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que if you feel like waiting five hours for a table.

If someone gives you a scratch-off ticket and you win $1 million? Keep your mouth shut and put it in your pocket. Don’t say a word.

Deer Season

If my wife Ann made a list of things she does not ever want to see on our front lawn, light-up animated reindeer would be number two right behind junk cars. But if there’s one thing I love, it’s a deal and at $10 each how could I say no? And if there’s anything I love more than a deal it’s a surprise —so when she got home last night there they were grazing in the snow. See how they’ve dug it away to get at my lawn? Pesky deer! When I’m sent to live in the basement they’ll make nice decorations.

Lawn Deer

May He Hold You In The Palm of His Hand

I know you’ve all been waiting breathlessly to hear if I screwed up the long Irish blessing I was assigned to recite at my niece’s wedding. Well, it turns out I did OK, thanks to practicing all day Thursday —and to the cheat sheet on my hand. Whew! Good thing.

It was certainly one of the top four weddings I’ve ever been to, the other three being my sister’s wedding (1979), my brother’s wedding (2001), and MY wedding (1987). Interestingly, the one I remember least is my own.

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