Category Archives: zombies

The Clock Will Kill You

Most people did not get what Bill Belichick was doing when he allowed Ahmad Bradshaw to score — hell, even Ahmad Bradshaw didn’t understand until it was too late.

Belichick decided to trade points for time. It was a ballsy thing to do and a calculated risk that did not pay off. And you know what that’s like, don’t you?

So many writers have waxed poetic about baseball, but it’s football that reveals the truth about life. It’s a game of triumph and struggle and tragedy. Pain and glory, winning and losing. It’s a place where perseverence is rewarded — but sometimes it’s just better to be lucky.

And ultimately, as in life, it comes down to the clock.

Now, on to the sideshow. Most of the Super Bowl commercials sucked, but I really liked the Silverado apocalypse commercial, which would have also been interesting with zombies. However, the spot I can’t stop thinking about is the Cat Killing Dorito Dog. The audacity of extending the cat vs. dog trope this far, for the dog to… well watch the commercial:

This made me laugh out loud, the cats storm out of the room, and the dogs give high-fives all around.

Who You Gonna Call?

There is something about October, isn’t there?

Heating season always means we get lots of fire calls involving carbon monoxide detectors going off. Usually they just malfunction — and they usually malfunction in the dead of night.

I was recently on one of these calls at 2:30 in the morning. We checked all around the house with our meters and found it safe. Another bad detector. “Everything’s fine. It’s probably just broken.”

“Or something else,” replied the homeowner. “We have strange things happen in this house. Things we can’t really explain.”

“Like ghosts?”

“Like something.”

Creepy.

So at three in the morning I sat alone in the fire station filling out the report. I don’t know if it’s because I stayed up late watching American Horror Story, or that I’ve had zombies on the brain lately, but the thought of “something” setting off carbon monoxide alarms amplified every sound in and around the building.

And it was then that the brave hero of this story rushed nervously to his car.

Night of the Living Geeks

After watching the season premier of The Walking Dead, I thank God I am not cursed. No, not cursed to live in a post-apocalyptic zombie infested America, but cursed with the need to overanlyze everything.

The internet was buzzing with criticism on Monday morning, with hot debate over every detail of the show’s performances and plot points. They picked apart everything, the same way the show’s zombies dig into their victims. Some did this because they are obsessed, others to discredit the critically acclaimed series as schlock. It’s always cool to dislike things that are popular.

Me? I just watched it and enjoyed it, because I love anything with zombies.

This unwillingness to rip into the show will stop me from ever being a proper geek — but if you ask me, minute analysis can ruin things. For example, look at the entry from the extensive IMDB page on “goofs” in the 2005 version of War of the Worlds:

Errors in geography: When John runs from his home in Bayonne next to the Bayonne Bridge to 5 Corners on Ferry St in Newark he arrives as if he’d just ran around the block. This is impossible. The most direct route from his home to 5 Corners covers a distance of 9 miles, and he would have had to run on the NJ Turnpike and Route 1&9.

Yeah, I suppose that could really spoil the movie for you. You can suspend your disbelief enough to accept that giant alien robots are destroying New Jersey, but not quite enough to get past this Bayonne Bridge business?

There are two possibilities.

1. I prefer my entertainment to simply be entertaining, so I don’t think too much about it.

2. My brain is too small to be so critical.

Let’s hope it’s the small brain. That will make me less attractive to hungry zombies.

Down With the Sickness

Two gallons of hand sanitizer didn’t stop me from getting sick, so as a public service to Times Union readers I’d like to give you a little rundown on how to know if you have the flu.

First, expect some aches and pains. Think of how you’d feel after falling down a flight of stairs —then imagine that the stairs are lined with people hitting you with sticks on the way down. And at the bottom is a guy who squeezes your head in a vise.

Also, gastrointestinal distress is fairly common. It’s like the flu gets inside your body and orders all the food to leave as quickly as possible. This can mean vomiting or diarrhea. Or both. Simultaneously. I was fortunate to only have one of these. Let’s just say the food decided to rush out the back door instead of the entrance.

I’m sorry, was that too much information?

So what do you do if you have the flu? Stay home from work or school. It’s actually sort of refreshing to call in sick when your actually sick, not just pretend sick.

Stay in bed or lay on the couch and watch movies. I watched the 2004 remake of Dawn of The Dead twice, once with the director’s commentary. Seeing all those zombies makes you recognize that there are worse things you could have than the flu —even if you feel like you want Ving Rhames put you out of your misery zombie style.