Australian Shepherd Maddy has been attacking my copy of Richard Russo’s Bridge of Sighs. First she ripped off the back cover and gnawed a corner of the book, lending a whole new meaning to the term dog eared. Then she tore off the front cover and pulled out page 71 —which thankfully I’d already read.

She is not destructive by nature. The most mischief she gets into is carrying off socks that are left on the floor, presumably to go somewhere suck the footy goodness out of them. But there’s something about books she finds intolerable. Or is it just this book? Could it be the picture of Russo on the cover? Or maybe the part where a dog is shot in the ass with a pellet gun. It could be she’s peeved that I’d rather sit and read than give her my undivided attention. The book is a rival.

Or maybe she is just a dog. 

There’s big money these days in treating dogs like mystical and deeply complex creatures. Marley & Me is the number one movie and The Dog Whisperer is on cable every night it, so it’s easy to start ascribing human traits to our canine friends. On the other side of the fence is Jon Katz, who’s made a business of telling us that dogs are actually just being dogs and we are the ones who are messed up. 

I’m surprised she didn’t rip the cover off of one of his books.

Not all eighties bands were dreadful.

I’m not hungry, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Maybe I’ll be hungry after I throw up.

You’re like a human GPS. Except with no sense of direction.

I’m not taking a nap. I’m 13, not 48.

No, you can’t see the map and yes, I do know where I’m going.

What, you can’t eat lunch while someone’s talking about colonoscopies?

Sure, we could stop at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que if you feel like waiting five hours for a table.

If someone gives you a scratch-off ticket and you win $1 million? Keep your mouth shut and put it in your pocket. Don’t say a word.

The Santa suit killer is one of the most tragic and appalling stories of the entire year, but I just knew if I did a Google News search of the words Christmas and arrested, I’d find something to cheer me up:

Couple Arrested After Christmas Gift Fight
PORTSMOUTH - A Portsmouth, N.H., couple was arrested on Christmas Day after a gift-giving miscue erupted into a violent fist fight, the Boston Herald reports. Police arrested Heath Blom, 26, and Randi Young, 24, and charged both with assault after finding them bruised and battered at the South Street home they share with Blom’s grandparents. According to Portsmouth police, Blom was disappointed when he did not receive the $1,000 airplane he had asked for from his grandparents, and was underwhelmed by the gift he received from Young: a Nintendo Wii video game console.

Man Busted for Loud Christmas Music
SWAMPSCOTT-Swampscott police threw the book at a Puritan Road man for allegedly playing Christmas music too loud at his apartment this past Sunday, charging him with multiple counts of disturbing the peace, civil rights violations and criminal harassment. Arnulf Simmon, 67, of 50 Puritan Road #2, Swampscott, was arrested Dec. 21 shortly after 7 p.m. after a neighbor complained he was playing Christmas music too loud.

Son Charged With Stealing Christmas Presents
SCHAUMBURG - After coming home to find his children’s presents stolen from underneath the Christmas tree, David Olson Sr. felt violated. But when he suspected that his older son was the culprit, he was torn. How do I turn in my own son to police? he wondered. “Especially on Christmas,” Olson Sr. said.

Movie Theater Closes After Christmas Night Brawl
EATONTOWN - A fight in a Monmouth Mall movie theater spilled outside into the lobby and forced the box office to close early on Christmas night, police said. Three juveniles were arrested following the altercation, which took place during a showing of the movie, “Seven Pounds” in theater number 13.

Baby Jesus Thefts Draw Notice
Judging from reports from around the country - from South Jersey and Bucks County to the Alaska town made famous by the “Bridge to Nowhere” - pilferings of the Baby Jesus seem to be on rise. Since Thanksgiving, figurines of the holy infant have been stolen from public squares, churches, front yards and funeral homes.

This is probably the best spot for a single sporting event I’ve ever seen.

Connecting the dots between  Harry Caray singing “Take Me Out To the Ball Game” with the NHL’s Winter Classic at Wrigley Field is just genius. We’re not worthy!

If my wife Ann made a list of things she does not ever want to see on our front lawn, light-up animated reindeer would be number two right behind junk cars. But if there’s one thing I love, it’s a deal and at $10 each how could I say no? And if there’s anything I love more than a deal it’s a surprise —so when she got home last night there they were grazing in the snow. See how they’ve dug it away to get at my lawn? Pesky deer! When I’m sent to live in the basement they’ll make nice decorations.

I’m hardly a big New England Patriots fan, but you’ve gotta love Wes Welker. 

The 5′9″  wide receiver went undrafted in 2004, made the Chargers but was cut, and finally got a slot playing special teams on the Dolphins. Since joining the Pats in 2007 he has excelled as one of the league’s hardest working, most consistent players. Regular guys can look at Wes Welker and see someone who’s living the dream. They all said he didn’t have the size or the talent, but personally, I’ll give you three Terrell Ownens for one Wes Welker.

Sunday Welker was slammed with an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the Patriots game against the Cardinals. Why? After scoring a touchdown he laid down in the end zone an made a snow angel. How seasonal.

I have seen terrible things.

Horrible scenes of carnage and mayhem. Broken bodies scattered on the landscape. Wonderful joyous days instantly transformed into nightmares of pain and grief. Who can make sense of it? It’s never easy when the victims are so young and fragile. We look on and shake our heads and wonder, why did this have to happen?

I am writing about the Bethlehem Town Park sledding hill.

For some reason, the children of my proud community have never been taught rule one of sledding: walk up the side, not the middle.

Not that this isn’t entertaining to watch. Being struck by a sled tends to produce spectacular head-over-keister tumbles worthy of an NFL Films Moment of Impact DVD. Imagine Brandon Jacobs slamming into your six-year-old. But if it’s your kid it’s not so entertaining. And if your child caused the damage, suddenly you’re not thinking, “Wow!” You’re thinking, “Lawsuit.”

One time I saw two kids walking side by side up the middle of the hill carrying a toboggan. Suddenly, a young child headed right for them. His parents started shouting out: “Duck! Duck!” He looked around, maybe trying to see the duck they were yelling about, and turned his head back just in time to catch the toboggan square in the forehead. I have supplied this diagram to help you better understand the incident.

I implore parents everywher -especially now during this holiday season- to take your children by the hand and tell them this: walk up the side of the hill. Not the middle.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I cross posted this on the Times Union’s Bethlehem Blog. Click to read the idiotic comment somebody left.

IT’S A WONDERFUL MOVIE?
I first saw It’s a Wonderful Life in a college film class taught by Dr. Phil Reines, a famously entertaining lecturer and renowned expert on the subject of Champ, the Lake Champlain Monster. I recall discussing how dark the movie is, an idea echoed in a New York Times essay this week by Wendell Jamieson. He writes:

It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife. It is also a nightmare account of an endless home renovation.

Alrighty then. Another good read on the movie is this Slate piece about how Pottersville looks much more fun than Bedford Falls. Enjoy.

SLIPPERY BUSINESS
You may remember that Don Corleone was in the olive oil business —well now we know why. It turns out that the olive oil industry is lousy with fraud and deception. Fraud? Deception? Yes, there’s dirty money in the stuff, mostly made by cutting pure extra virgin olive oil with inferior product. Thank God now someone’s doing something about it. What was the line from the movie? Leave the gun, take the canola?

LET THEM CATCH RATS
I’m so happy that the rest of the world will finally stop hating America —but after Barack Obama’s January 20 inauguration they’ll need someone new to hate. May I suggest Germany? This week, a German politician said that Berlin’s poor be encouraged to catch rats for a bounty of one euro each. Favorite line from the story:

Rats are fast and much tougher to catch than returnable bottles, much sought after by poor people who retrieve deposits on them at supermarkets.

I’m still working on my Christmas card…and longing for simpler times.