How Martha Stewart Ruined My @#!% Turkey


Everybody’s brining turkeys these days. That’s where you soak the bird in a solution -usually involving sugar, salt, and spices- which help make it more tender and delicious when cooked.

A couple of years ago I couldn’t figure out which brine formula to use, but when I came across the one from Martha Stewart Living magazine I figured, “Hey! If this recipe is from MARTHA STEWART it must be awesome.”

Yeah, it seemed strange that the recipe called for like five times the salt as every other recipe, but I thought, “It’s Martha Stewart for God’s sake! Of course it’s right! MARTHA STEWART wouldn’t steer me wrong.”

She did.

The turkey was moist and juicy as advertised but amazingly salty, as if it had been soaked in a solution containing six-and-a-half cups of salt —which it had been. The biggest problem was the drippings, which were so briny that you could have sprayed them on the front walk to melt ice.

I had a couple of jars of emergency store gravy handy and doctored it up to make it homemadey.

The next morning it was time to write the letter.

Dear Martha Stewart:
Thanks for ruining my @#!% turkey. The brine recipe in the November issue of your magazine was obviously wrong. Six-and-a-half cups of salt? If it had not been for my quick thinking and ingenuity Thanksgiving would have been completely spoiled. I think you should print an apology at your earliest convenience to those who TRUSTED YOU. I also think it might be a good idea if you paid for my turkey. A copy of the receipt is enclosed. And it would be nice if you sent my wife a free subscription to your stupid magazine.

They fixed the recipe for the online version so I feel somewhat vindicated —but I’m still waiting for a reply to my letter.

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