It’s a well-known fact that real Christmas trees are superior to fake Christmas trees, but who am I to judge?
Really, it’s OK to have a plastic tree, just as it’s OK to have a house that looks like the Christmas section at Lowe’s vomited all over your property. No, no — all that stuff obviously goes together. The five different types of lights? The inflatable figures? Those illuminated candy canes? Yes, yes and yes. It’s all good. Why not put some of that shit on the roof, while you’re at it?
Speaking of real trees, this season’s news story du jour is a doozy: watch out for ticks hitching a ride indoors on your fresh-cut Tannenbaum. Yes, they say the warm weather means your tree could be infested with insects.
One story, on WTEN, warns:
If you do find bugs in your tree, don’t spray pesticides on the tree. It’s toxic to breathe in and could cause the tree to catch on fire if it has Christmas lights.
It’s hard not to think about this when I slither under the tree twice a day to water the thing. That would be the ideal opportunity for a tick to launch itself down on me. You may suck my blood, but you won’t sap me of my Christmas spirit. So there.