Elvis Has Left the Building

I have the same phone number as Elvis.

It’s true, same number. I discovered this when the calls began, and they would usually go like this:

“Hello, Elvis?”

“Hi… may I speak with Elvis?”

“Is Elvis there?”

When these calls started coming in I thought I was being pranked and would get annoyed — but finally I asked somebody, “Hey — what number are you calling, anyway?” That’s when it became clear that Elvis and I shared a phone number, but with different area codes. This Elvis — not surprisingly — lives down South.

I should probably tell you that I love my cell phone number. It’s the sort of catchy and memorable combination that busineses crave. It’s really wasted on the likes of me.

So I called Elvis — it was apparently his work number and wanted to give him a heads up — but got his voice mail. I never heard back.

So, now when people call looking for Elvis, I politely tell them that they forgot the area code or dialed wrong. They always appreciate this. And I always close the call by saying, “Thank you very much.”

Foto Friday

Géill Slí, or give way. Not a bad way to approach the new year.

Is Beer a Clear Liquid?

When I saw that someone posted this as their Facebook status, I instantly understood:

Is beer a clear liquid?

You see, I had been wondering the same thing just hours before as I examined the prep instructions for my colonoscopy. The guidelines are very specific about consuming only clear liquids, but as you can imagine, the gastroenterologist isn’t going to include beer on the list. Broth, bouillon, juices? Yes. Beer? No.

But it doesn’t say don’t drink beer, does it?

My regimen started with four Dulcolax tablets to kick things off, and then proceeded to heavy doses of MiraLAX, popularly regarded as the Drano of the laxative community. Here’s how you know you’ve cleaned the pipes:

After your prep, the results should appear clear yellow or clear green liquid with no solid matter.

Oh, what fun. I suppose this is the price one must pay for living until 50. The indignities have commenced, and will hereby continue until death.

By the way, I asked for a videotape of my scoping to put on YouTube, but that was a no-go. It seemed like the perfect thing to watch while enjoying a clear liquid.

Holiday Hero 2011

Hats off to Andrew Caswell of Greece, NY! Last week the upstate man struck a deer with his car, and valiantly attempted to save the animal by packing it in his vehicle and taking it to the hospital — a people hospital.

Unfortunately, while en route, Mr. Caswell was stopped by police and arrested on charges of driving while intoxicated. According to a story in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle:

Police Chief Todd Baxter said while he sympathizes with trying to save a deer during the holiday season, “driving while intoxicated will not be tolerated.”

The deer did not survive. Nobody’s perfect, but here’s to you Andrew Caswell, our Holiday Hero of 2011.

Elf on the Shelf

One of the nice things about Christmas is its extortion value over children.

If you have young ones you’ve probably done it: played the “naughty or nice” card to keep your kids in line. Well, in recent years this has taken a new turn with Elf on the Shelf. It is, in short, an elf that you put on the shelf to do Santa’s spying.

Elf on the Shelf was the brainchild of author/entrprenuers Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, who in 2005 published a children’s book of the same name. Each book comes complete with a little elf doll who, like in the story, will report misdeeds back to his boss at the North Pole.

The elf gets its magic power when named by your child. Isn’t that sweet?

I suppose it won’t be long before these come equipped with a hidden camera, because then you could actually use the elf to do some real spying. Imagine the fun of feeding your local department store Santa a nugget of two of information:

“HO! HO! HO! You know, little missy… I saw you take those cookies off the counter. And you know it’s not nice to pull the cat’s tail!”

That will make them true believers, won’t it? In fact, it could be effective enough to last all year long. Santa is always watching. And he could probably send a postcard or two during the year, little reminders that that he sees all, and is indeed keeping a list.

Holy Flaming Tannenbaum!

Yes, real trees are superior to fake ones, with one possible exception: they can burn your freakin’ house down. But what’s Christmas without a little danger?

Anyway, I thought you’d enjoy this video from our favorite local newspaper that shows how to handle a flaming tree.

The accompanying article has some good information too — namely, be sure you have a proper fire extinguisher. When it comes to those, go big or go home. Or, go big or burn down your home, one or the other.

The Grinch Report

We discussed The Grinch last week — but no Christmas is complete without this: lazy journalists invoking the name “Grinch” whenever someone steals something or does something bad around the holidays.

Rob, you may ask, is that not a fitting analogy? No, not unless the thief returns what he stole. Then he is like the Grinch. It’s much like comparing someone to Scrooge. Yes, if you are nasty around Christmas you are rather like Scrooge — but without redemption, one is not truly Scrooge-like.

Having said that, here’s a brief review of journalistic Grinchitude, proving the work of many reporters and editors is not just trite, but a little dumb, too.

Grinch in Louisville steals family’s Christmas presents

‘Grinch’ cuts down Vallejo man’s front-yard pine tree

Christmas Grinch steals Grinch from south Charlotte home

Grinch Stealing Christmas Deliveries

Southern Illinois grinch steals family’s Christmas

‘Grinch’ tramples Christmas decorations outside Kerrville church

There are hundreds more, which you may browse in Google News. And if you work in the news business? Let’s save the Grinch stuff until someone actually brings something back.

Christmas Unwrapped

One of the most delightful Christmas traditions is criticizing the Christmas traditions of other people.

Whether it be how the lights are hung outside or present opening protocol (midnight v. morning), we’re all pretty sure that we are right and everyone else is wrong.

For example, here is an actual conversation I overheard recently in a house much like my own:

Did you know that (name ommitted) doesn’t wrap her kids’ Christmas presents?

So who wraps them, then?

Nobody. They go under the tree unwrapped.

Unwrapped? You mean the kids come down on Christmas morning and their presents aren’t wrapped?

That’s right.

That’s messed up. Why don’t they wrap the presents.

Her parents did it that way.

And why didn’t her parents wrap the presents?

I don’t know.

You know what kind of people don’t wrap their presents?

(Number one son chimes in from other room) Communists!

I think communists discourage religion.

(Number one son) Yes, they discourage it by not wrapping their presents.

I Hate Rudolph the Reindeer

It’s troublesome that people are choosing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer over The Grinch Who Stole Christmas in the Times Union’s Most Specialest Holiday Specials Face-Off Ever. Troublesome because I hate Rudolph.

Hear me out.

Yes, Rudolph is endearing — and many of you have a soft spot for it from when we were children — but behind the treacly stop motion sweetness is a story of bad parenting, sexual longing, and narcissism.

Could anyone possibly be more self absorbed than Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Oh, my nose is red! Everybody hates me! Why can’t I have Clarice?

Rudolph is an irrepressible whiner. What does it teach kids? Complain. Feel sorry for yourself. Run away from trouble. Don’t even get me started on Hermey.

Sure, in the end Rudolph shines — but only after Santa comes and begs him for help.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, on the other hand, is a story of redemption. The Grinch is motivated by hatred — but ultimately discovers the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a beautifully written story, for Dr. Seuss really was a genius of human nature — not just some hack looking to turn a buck.

I’m sure many of you will disagree, but stop and consider the facts. And please cast your vote for The Grinch.

A Gift for the Dog Enthusiast

Maybe you’ve seen this dog toy called the Humunga Stache? It’s a big black moustache with a ball on the back for a dog to grab in its mouth. When Fido does that, it looks like he has a big huge moustache.

Hahahahahahahahaha. That’s hilarious, isn’t it?

But what’s really funny is when you spot this thing on the rug at 5am, because before coffee and in dim light it looks exactly like a huge steaming pile of dog sh…  ummmm…. poop.

The people who make this thing are quick to point out that the Humunga Stache has won several major awards and it’s great fun to see your dog with a giant moustache, but they neglect to mention how much it looks like poop. And this is not just me just me obsessing over dog poop,  everybody in our house agrees.

Personally, I think this is the perfect gift for your friends with dogs. It will provide hours of mirth and merriment — and it’s not nearly as slippery as the real thing.