Tag Archives: family

Got a Light?

Posted on February 12, 2009 by Rob| 2 Comments

You can buy a Zippo lighter for about $15 —but this one can’t be replaced. It belonged to my father.

He died in 1990 at 62-years-old. That’s too young. Smoking cigarettes probably had something to do with it and a lot of those cigarettes were lit with this lighter. You might feel that makes for an inappropriate memento, but that’s really reading too much into things. Believe it or not, smoking was once viewed as normal in America and smokers were not shunned, forced outdoors, or demonized the way they are today.

The lid on my dad’s lighter is a bit wobbly and I’m concerned it will fall off, so I’m thinking I might wrap it up and mail it back to Zippo. In Bradford, Pennsylvania, where they are are manufactured, Zippo has a special corner of the plant where they do nothing but repair their products. Unlike us, the Zippo Windproof Lighter carries a lifetime guarantee.

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Posted in Modern Living, parenting

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The Art of Conversation

Posted on January 21, 2009 by Rob| 4 Comments

We make a real effort to sit down for dinner on as many nights as possible, even when people are rushing off to the fire house, dog training, piano lessons, Boy Scouts, and the million other things that get scheduled on weekday evenings.

You’d be surprised by the delicious and healthy meals that we manage to get on the table —but what you’d really love is the witty repartee. Imagine sitting at dinner between Dorothy Parker and Noël Coward —or since this is 2009, maybe John Stewart and Maureen Dowd. Here’s an example of what you miss:

zack: I’m auditioning for the school play
rob: Really! What show?
zack: Pocahontas.
rob: Ah, Pocahontas! Well, I know a way you can land a part as an Indian.
zack: How?
rob: Exactly! You’ve got it!

Hahahahaha. I crack me up.

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Posted in Home, Kids

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Quotable Moments On the Road In Syracuse

Posted on December 29, 2008 by Rob| 2 Comments

I’m not hungry, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Maybe I’ll be hungry after I throw up.

You’re like a human GPS. Except with no sense of direction.

I’m not taking a nap. I’m 13, not 48.

No, you can’t see the map and yes, I do know where I’m going.

What, you can’t eat lunch while someone’s talking about colonoscopies?

Sure, we could stop at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que if you feel like waiting five hours for a table.

If someone gives you a scratch-off ticket and you win $1 million? Keep your mouth shut and put it in your pocket. Don’t say a word.

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Posted in Kids, Marriage

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When the Fir Flies

Posted on December 1, 2008 by Rob| 7 Comments

Bob’s Trees asks:

“Do you yearn for the yearly family trip to the woods, the smell of a fresh-cut evergreen, and the experience of dragging the family tree through the snow?”

Yearn? Dread is more accurate, because in the past our yearly family trips to Bob’s have threatened to ruin Christmas before it even started. Like the year of the ice storm, when cars were doing 360s in the road on front of the tree farm. Or the time I lost my shoe in the mud —and then the car got stuck in the same mud. Or when I accidentally tied the doors of my car shut. I could go on and on. Freezing weather, rain, snow, slop, filthy stinking dogs, crying children, bitter arguments —these are the spirits of Christmas past at Bob’s Trees.

So naturally, if it goes too easily I get suspicious.

Friday we drove up the hill at Bob’s, found a tree, cut it down, and had it on top of the the car in no time at all. No fuss, no muss, in and out in five minutes. How is this possible, I wonder? There must be something wrong with this tree. Will a colony of spiders hibernating deep in its branches come to life and infest the house? Will I get home and find that it’s shed all of its needles? Will it mysteriously burst into flames?

There’s no way to tell, but meanwhile I am keeping an eye on this tree that came to our home without struggle or strife. Either there’s a catch somewhere or after twenty years we’re getting good at it.

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Posted in Home

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A Fabulous Week Off

Posted on August 6, 2008 by Rob| 5 Comments

Upstate, half the people you talk to have never heard of Fire Island and the other half think it’s that gay place. I end up spending a lot of time explaining that there are about a dozen towns on Fire Island and only two of them are considered “gay” —even though one of them, Cherry Grove, is perhaps the gayest place on earth. It makes Provincetown look like Mayberry.

Thanks to the amazing kindness and benevolence of my brother and sister-in-law, we’ll spend next week at the house they own in Ocean Bay Park, which is about 2.5 miles and a world away from Cherry Grove. OBP is considered to be the most ramshackle and rowdy of Fire Island’s communities, famous for its shared rentals, bars, and endless happy hours. We’re staying just steps from the town’s most fascinating feature, the fence that keeps OBP people out of ritzy Point O’ Woods. Yes, a fence. To keep us out.

The fence is 15 feet high and you can only get in through a locked gate. One time we snuck in after tricking some Point O’ Woods children into letting us pass in behind them. They were not yet old enough to know our cheap clothes and vaguely ethnic looking features meant we didn’t belong. Maybe they thought we were there to tend the gardens. Anyway, we strolled through the the meticulous little village, trying desperately to look like we belonged there, but it was pretty clear we didn’t. Maybe we’ll try it again this year, except this time I’ll shave. And bring a tennis racket. And wear a Harvard t-shirt. Then -maybe- I’ll look like I belong there. And I’ll avoid speaking to the locals. If you’ve ever read a Ken Follett spy novel, you know that’s where people tend to get tripped up.

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Posted in Modern Living

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May He Hold You In The Palm of His Hand

Posted on July 6, 2008 by Rob| 1 Comment

I know you’ve all been waiting breathlessly to hear if I screwed up the long Irish blessing I was assigned to recite at my niece’s wedding. Well, it turns out I did OK, thanks to practicing all day Thursday —and to the cheat sheet on my hand. Whew! Good thing.

It was certainly one of the top four weddings I’ve ever been to, the other three being my sister’s wedding (1979), my brother’s wedding (2001), and MY wedding (1987). Interestingly, the one I remember least is my own.

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Posted in Marriage

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May The Road Rise Up to Beat You

Posted on July 1, 2008 by Rob| 6 Comments

My niece is getting married Friday, and I was very honored that she asked me to recite the well known Irish blessing that begins, “May the road rise up to meet you…” You know the one. Being half Irish, I take the Irish stuff seriously. The other half is Italian, and I believe that I’ve inherited all the best traits of both these famously cool headed and forgiving people.

She asked that I memorize it, and I figured this is a no-brainer, because that thing is only like two or three lines, right? Wrong. I opened her email and discovered it’s 16 lines long:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and the rains fall soft upon your fields.

May true be the hearts that love you;
May pure be the joys that surround you.
May you see your children’s children,
May the hand of a friend always be near.

May you know nothing but happiness, from this day forward.
May God be with you and bless you,
May He hold you in the palm of His hand.
And may Almighty God bless you, and all of us.

Uh, oh. I’m going to ruin the wedding.

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Posted in Marriage, Uncategorized

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NFB

Posted on May 19, 2008 by Rob| Leave a comment

People at home were getting nervous —and they started in with the disclaimers. Zack or Ann would go, “This is not for your blog, but…” Or they’d do something funny and then warn me after that it better not show up on Keyboard Krumbs.

I will not have my home be a place where people are afraid to speak their mind. No one should worry that they’ll be ridiculed for asking a question or expressing themselves in any way. As for the blog, certain things are off limits. And this is why I have established the Not For Blog rule.

Under Not For Blog (NFB), everyone has a yellow flag which they may throw once a week, declaring something NFB. If they see me looking at them funny, or worse yet taking notes, the yellow flag can be used to negate my right to publish it on the blog.

Conversely, I have the right to overrule four NFB calls per month. This is exercised by throwing a red flag I keep tucked in my sock, Bill Belichick style. Weekly NFB declarations may not be carried over and accumulated, but I can use my four overrules any time I like and on anyone I wish. This brings into question the matter of strategy. Do you save your NFB overrules until the last week, or use them as you go along?

I’ve decided to save them because this keeps people on their toes. And since the end of the month is approaching, I’d advise everybody to think before opening their mouths.

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Posted in Home, Kids, Marriage, The Internets

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Mother’s Day of Reckoning

Posted on May 5, 2008 by Rob| 2 Comments

Mother’s Day is a holiday that must be approached cautiously, like a wounded animal or something that might explode in your face. Follow a couple of simple rules and you should be OK. This week I’ll try to help you with some common sense tips. Today, gadgets and small appliances:

No Gadgets. Don’t buy a gift that you secretly desire for yourself, like a GPS or big TV. One exception I can think of might be an iPod, but only if you load it up with her favorite music. Giving an empty iPod is no way to show mom or your wife that you understand her amazing uniqueness. It’s saying, “Here take this thing that I bought at Best Buy. I didn’t even care enough to walk over to the Apple Store.”

About small appliances, items that plug in like vacuums and kitchen implements are strictly forbidden. An electical cord is something that you could find wrapped around your neck while sleeping. It can also be used as a whip.  This is like your employer giving you a new computer. They don’t love you, they want you to do more work.

Mothers are compassionate, caring, and understanding. If you want to test the limits of these virtues, go right ahead.  Coming tomorrow: dining out on Mother’s Day.

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Posted in Marriage

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Hobo Night

Posted on April 25, 2008 by Rob| Leave a comment

Home late from work one night, I was met at the door by two hungry boys. Instead of just running out to Wendy’s or ordering a pizza, I announced that it was hobo night. I started pulling cans out of the cabinet and putting them in a paper bag. What are you making they wanted to know. Nothing. Hobos don’t make dinner, they eat whatever they can find —or steal. Zack asks, “What did we steal?” We stole a bag of canned goods, I explained. From the food pantry. That cheered them up. We went out back and sat on the deck with our bag of stolen food pantry loot, a pocket knife, and three spoons.
I told hobo stories about jumping freight cars and being chased through rail yards by the bulls. We picked some hobo names: Rhode Island Rob, Screwdriver, and Patchy. We dug into our beans and SpagettiOs. Alex ate half a can of sauerkraut. Desert was a big can of peaches. The moon was out and it was getting dark and it was good to be a hobo.

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Posted in Home, Kids

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