GOTTA SERVE SOMEONE Zack surprised us on the way out of Mass Sunday, announcing that he’d like to be a lector someday. We were really impressed by this because we’ve worked so hard to keep him interested in church. I was halfway to the car before I realized why he was suddenly so keen on getting involved —and it had everything to do with first reading, Zechariah 9:9-10:
See, your king shall come to you; a just savior is he, Meek, and riding on an ass, on a colt, the foal of an ass.
Like every 12-year-old, he just wants to say ass in church.
ON THE INTERNET, NOBODY KNOWS YOUR A DOG I don’t really have time for it, but I’ve gotten myself involved in another online project: Dog 365. For the next year, I will post one picture a day of Scarlett, the Australian Shepherd who can’t manage to keep her tongue out of my mouth. I’d like to tell you that this is some sort of satire about the relationship we have with our pets, but like a lot of things I’ve done online, I didn’t really put that much thought into it.
POST TIME Madeo couldn’t quite get it done at the May 24 Alydar Stakes, losing by a neck to long shot Trevor’s Clever. His owners and trainer continue to have high hopes for the three-year-old, who’s entered in Saturday’s $350,000 Swaps Stakes at Hollywood Park. Madeo won’t be the favorite this time. Among the entries are Kentucky Derby horse Colonel John, who will likely head to The Travers if he wins this race. Does that mean Madeo could end up in the Travers if he wins? Not likely, especially considering he’s never run on dirt.
There was a bumblebee perched on the kneeler in the pew in front of us at church. Ann and Zack urged me to kill it because they were worried it would sting somebody.
Jesus wouldn’t kill that bee, I told them.
“Jesus overturned the tables of the money changers,” Zack whispered. “One of them could have landed on a bee.” That would be an accident, I whispered back. Besides, if there was a bee in the temple, Jesus would have sent it to sting the money changers.
He was satisfied by that, so we watched and waited and made dumb jokes, like “Peace BEE with you,” and “Thanks BEE to God.” We get a big kick out of ourselves. When mass was over, we grabbed a plastic cup and went to capture the bee. He asked if I was afraid of being stung. I pulled out the reply I use whenever the kids question my manhood:
“Zack, I go into burning buildings and stare down the red devil. I’m not afraid of a bee.” Shuts then up every time.
We carefully transported the bee outside and before releasing it into the wild showed it to the priest. I guess we figured he would commend us for saving a life, but instead he says, “Nice work, St. Francis. I would have just smooshed it.”
5/26/08 - Written on Back of Napkin
Why’s David Paterson so popular with the ladies? He has a cute glaucoma.
4/23/08 - Dinner Conversation
Zack: If Alex was on death row, would you make him his favorite food as a last meal?
Ann: Did he try to kill me, too?
Zack: No, he just killed someone else.
Ann: Yes.
4/19/08 - Unfinished Blog Post
Getting old. It blows, doesn’t it? I’ve been fighting aging by acting more immature, but the jury’s still out on how this is working out.
Undated - Scrawled on Back of Deposit Slip
Xcuse me? Are you off your meds?
Undated - Folded Up Post It Note
ortho bucks…ipods…needles…eyelids…has mono “i’m not getting mono”…jesus c.s…group discuss…
5/2/08 - Unfinished Blog Post
So Zack whispers to me in church, “That’s cool.” Cool? “Yeah, cool.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“The axe. It’s cool.” What?!
“The axe of the Apostles. You know. They had axes. That’s cool.”
I’m no designer but there’s something about this logo on Zack’s new soccer shirt that’s a little troubling. Hmmm…what could it be? Oh, I know: it reminds me of something from NAZI GERMANY.
I’m sure that’s not the effect the Bethlehem Soccer Club was after, but there’s no denying that it has a very Teutonic feel. This graphic is a direct reference to the coat of arms of Germany, and it’s especially similar to the eagle used by their federal government. OK, fine. However, showing the eagle above a circular image, just as the Nazis displayed the eagle over a wreathed swastika, is maybe a little creepy.
Bethlehem’s teams are known as the eagles, and you have to admit, that’s one cool eagle. When I was ten me and my friends would draw pictures of World War II battles, complete with all sorts of swastika emblazoned flags and airplanes. We loved anything to do with World War II, and we would have found that logo extremely cool.
Images are powerful, and certain images carry a lasting connotation. If I showed you that eagle without the soccer ball, what would you think? And from a marketing and advertising perspective, I’m not sure that’s the icon you would pick to symbolize your company or organization.
Winner’s Circle:Madeo shot out of the final turn yesterday, coming from behind to take a narrow victory in the 7th race at Hollywood Park (AP story here). He paid $8.20. After we watched the race, Zack says, “That was great! This is what we should do when there’s no football on.” Uh, oh…
What Not To Eat: I was totally interested in having Chinese food tonight until I read this. And I thought eating dogs in Korea was bad. Olympic travellers beware!
iPod Playlist: I’ve been obsessively listening to this song “I Will Possess Your Heart” by Death Cab For Cutie. By obsessive I mean like over a hundred times this week. Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard writes in Paste Magazine: “The song is basically about a stalker. It’s about this nice guy who wants this girl he can’t have, and he believes they’ll be together once she realizes how great he is—he just has to wait it out.” Wow. That sounds just like me and Ann.
As a child, I was the human internet. Mr. Hall and my father would often meet for cocktails in a comfortable corner of the family room and discuss things that men would discuss in 1971. These were the days of Scotch on the rocks, cigarettes, and no seat belts. My father, the plumber, and Mr. Hall, the lawyer, would sometimes need a judgement on some point of fact, and that’s when they would send me to the encyclopedia. I loved being their research department and would dig into the books, ferreting out answers to their questions. Whether it be figuring out who was Woodrow Wilson’s vice president (Thomas R. Marshall) or determining the national currency of Belgium (Belgian franc), I would promptly return and report my findings. When you’re ten, this is the sort of thing that makes you feel important and useful. Maybe I wasn’t as as fast as the internet, but I was reliable. Unless you have dial-up; then I was as fast as the internet.
So the heel starts coming apart on my favorite dress shoes and I get out the Gorilla Glue. Twelve-year-old Zack walks in and gapes at me, launching into a rant about my reckless disregard for the earth and its creatures. What are you talking about, I ask. Gorilla Glue dad? Gorilla Glue! What’s wrong with you —you’re using glue made from gorillas? Aren’t they endangered? I turn the bottle around and show him that “gorillas” are not listed on the ingredients. He’s not satisfied, so I go to the internet and find the technical data. Plenty of Diphenylmethane-diisocyanate, but no gorillas. My shoe is fixed, but if I develop foot cancer someday, please remember that I documented the use of this hazardous product on my blog. And that I did my part to save the gorillas.
