Tag Archives: manly matters

Important Advice For Men #48

Gentlemen: if you’re going to say or do something stupid it’s best not do so when there are knives within reach. For example:

ROGERSVILLE, TN – A Hawkins County woman was charged Monday with aggravated domestic assault after she allegedly stabbed her husband in the face during an altercation while making lunch. The alleged victim, Jeremy Trent, told Hilton that he was in a verbal dispute with his wife when he called her an ugly name. Kingsport Times-News

SCRANTON, PA – A city woman was arrested early Tuesday for allegedly threatening her ex-husband with a knife. Katherine Miraval, 25, of Depot Street was charged with aggravated assault, burglary and reckless endangerment. Ms. Miraval allegedly woke Mr. Palomares by entering his bedroom with a 12-inch kitchen knife, saying they would either rekindle their relationship or both die. Scranton Times Tribune

WATERTOWN, NY – Renee E. Gokey, 38, of 235 Central St., was charged by Watertown police Tuesday with second-degree menacing, third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, second-degree harassment, first-degree unlawful imprisonment and resisting arrest. Police alleged she punched her boyfriend, Robert C. Rennie, 38, in the back of the head, tackled him, pointed a large bowie knife and stated “I will kill you before you leave” during an incident in their home.Newzjunky.com

LAKE KATRINE, NY – A man was stabbed by his girlfriend Thursday morning but lied to investigators about who attacked him in an effort to protect the woman, according to the town police chief. The man, Adam Alo, 21, was stabbed with a steak knife in the upper chest and left arm and suffered non-life-threatening injuries, according to the town of Ulster Police Department. Alo’s girlfriend, Shaquan London, 20, of Leggs Mill Road, was arrested later in the day, charged with felony assault and sent to the Ulster County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail, police said. Kingston Daily Freeman

AUSTIN, MN – A 21-year-old Austin woman is accused of slashing a man in the back with a knife, biting him in the chest and smashing his vehicle’s windows with a baseball bat Saturday night. Juana Viviana Lopez, is charged with single felony counts of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon and making terroristic threats, as well as a lesser count of fourth-degree property damage. The man told police Lopez was upset because he still was married to a woman in Mexico. In a police interview, the man said he was almost asleep when Lopez attacked him. As he tried to get away, Lopez allegedly kicked him in the groin and grabbed a kitchen knife, saying, “I’m going to kill you.” He ran outside but was chased by Lopez for a block, the complaint says. Austin Post-Bulletin

Man of a Certain Age

We were sitting at Regal Colonie Center waiting for Zombieland to begin. That’s when they showed an extended preview of the new Ray Romano show on TNT, Men of a Certain Age.

“I don’t really get what that show is supposed to be about,” my 14-year-old son said.

I consider it one of my most important jobs as a father to explain things and offer some context.

“Well, when guys get to be my age they start to worry about things. Their job. Their health. You know. Getting old. It’s basically guys being worried about getting old.”

He was listening.

“Your body changes, people pass away, there are disappointments. Disillusion. And sometimes you might you start thinking that your best days are behind you. You know, you can’t do all the stuff you used to do.”

There was exactly one perfectly timed beat before he responded.

“You don’t need to watch TV to see that, do you?”

Tales From the Boys Room

Back in fifth grade me and my friends were in the boys room at Rushmore Avenue School in Carle Place. There we were lined up peeing when the principal walked in.

“Boys,” he announced, ” You should not stand so close to the urinals when you go to the bathroom. Back up so you don’t get splashed.”

We inched away until he told us to stop a foot or two from the fixture. This felt a little strange, but whatever. Who were we to question him? We figured he learned this in the military because all of our dads were WW II or Korean War vets and they were full of manly advice. After that he’d periodically stop in and do an inspection to make sure we were standing nice and far away when we peed.

OK, I’m not saying that Mr. X was definitely interested in looking at our little fifth grade units, but doesn’t this strike you as a little creepy? Imagine what would happen if your kid came home from school and told you this story.

We were just doing what we were told. And anyway, who wants urine splashed on their pants?

Nobody Goes Camping for the Food

MB_CookingA Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Culinary geniuses they ain’t.

After spending a weekend with my son’s Boy Scout troop on a tailgate camping trip I’ve decided that it will be my personal mission to see every one of these fine young men earn his Cooking Merit Badge. Hey, I’m not fussy -and I love bacon, hot dogs, hamburgers, runny eggs, potato chips, and donuts as much as the next guy- but it is my belief that an important measure of manhood is found in the kitchen.

Just stop by my firehouse if you don’t believe me. Cooking is a skill that’s rated very highly in the firefighting community. We’ve got plenty of guys who can throw a ladder or swing an axe, but if you can make dinner for forty people? That’s something special.

Boys it’s time to cook. And remember: this isn’t just about preserving the health of your adult leaders, it’s about impressing girls.

Keep Stalling

Men are blessed with the ability to relieve themselves almost anywhere: behind bushes, in bottles, between cars, seated in football stadiums, in the subway… you get the idea. But here’s a case where you’re trying to do your thing where you should be doing it and you’re in plain sight anyway.

The men’s room at my new office has an electric door opener for those with physical disabilities. Well, it seems that some men on my floor (like the lawyers down the hall) enjoy using the electric opener so they don’t have to touch the handle. Fine —but it just so happens that this leaves the urinal user exposed and in plain site for a very long time, like to the folks getting off the elevator. See for yourself:

That’s ten seconds of exposure.

Look, I understand not wanting to touch the door handle, but come on guys, can I get a little privacy here? If you’re a germaphobe or something just push the door open with your elbow —and when you’re done use a paper towel to pull the handle from the other side. That’s not unreasonable.

Lucky Catch

Even if you don’t believe in luck you have to admit it’s pretty lucky to find a full beer wash up on shore. This can of Lucky Lager made landfall on Wolfe Island, Ontario recently —slightly dented and tarnished but brimming with 355ml (Canada, remember?) of golden goodness.

Lucky Lager seems to be Ontario’s answer to Milwaukee’s Best or Pabst Blue Ribbon: a working man’s brew for folks with few airs and fewer dollars. Fewer Canadian dollars.

You can’t help but wonder how it ended up in the water, eh? Maybe it fell off a fishing boat or drifted away from a vacation cottage. And where are it’s five brethren, anyway? Maybe this can of beer was involved in some sort of Great Lakes maritime tragedy —a small scale Edmund Fitzgerald involving cheap beer, a little boat, and a terrible lapse in judgment.

One thing is clear: you don’t find a can of beer labeled Lucky Lager and not drink it. So drink it I did.

I’m happy to report that the Lucky Lager held up well to its indeterminate time spent floating in Lake Ontario —and had a taste as good as you might expect in an inexpensive canned beer.  Never found the other five. And believe me I spent all week looking.

The World According to Rob

This Facebook status update caught my eye:

Chris Rooney doesn’t like when cars drive too fast down his street.

Have you ever heard anyone complain that they drive too slow? Of course not. We all think they drive too fast —but what are you going to do chase after them and get all up in their grill, so to speak? That may have worked for T.S. Garp but it’s not a good idea these days.

In The World According to Garp, Garp gets into the habit of chasing after cars speeding through his neighborhood. In the book he’d catch up to them at the stop sign and give them a piece of his mind. It worked. Try that today and they’ll run you over.

Years ago the town showed up and yanked out the stop signs on the corner where I live. When I complained they helpfully explained that the signs created an unsafe situation and actually encouraged people to drive faster. I don’t know about that —but I do know that as soon as the signs came down the speed of the cars went up.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and request people slow down by yelling at them when they drove past. This did nothing to slow the cars but a number of people did return to yell back, threaten me, etc.

Now when they zip past I keep my mouth shut —instead seeking revenge by doddering along that road like an 80-year-old, driving a speed safe and reasonable for a place teeming with kids:  20 MPH.

Tool Time

A lot of paint cans are now made of plastic and if you try prying them open with a screwdriver you butcher the lid. That’s why I picked up one of those little metal tools for popping open the cans that you always see at the paint counter. Works like a charm —and I also discovered what the round end is for: opening beer bottles.

This makes perfect sense. Adding a little beer makes paint go on smoother and contributes to the overall quality of the project. And nobody ever cut off their fingers off while painting.
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Grow Up

Seriously, I really do try to act like an adult. You know, I go to work, pay my taxes, try to set a good example for my children —but sometimes the fourteen-year-old inside me cannot be completely suppressed. Like the other night.

I was sitting in church waiting for the May Procession to begin. This is where the kids from my son’s school recite the Rosary and put a crown on the statue of Mary. Thinking this would present some serious zone out time I chose a spot away from the crowd —but not so far away that it would look odd.

I got out my iPod and inserted only the left ear bud. This way no one in the church would see what I was doing. Then I took out my phone and started sending rude text messages to a guy I know who was sitting across the way.

While deep in the haze of the Felice Brothers and tapping out stupid texts Sister Mary Frederick stopped by my pew. She was the principal of the school when my older son went there and wanted to know how he was doing. As I fumbled with my headphone wire and tried to hide the phone I explained how he was finishing his junior year at college and preparing to spend the summer in National Guard training.

In other words, my son is getting an education and defending America —and his father is acting like an eighth grader.

If I were an actual eighth grader both items would have been confiscated and I probably would have gotten detention. Instead I just got to feel like an idiot.