When I was a kid one of our favorite games was the dirt bomb fight. We’d hide behind things and hurl clods of soil at each other, grenade style. They’d break apart and send up clouds of dust when they landed. The object? Take out your opponent. Over the weekend I realized that I haven’t really come that far since being nine-years-old, because Saturday was paintball day.
Out in the woods of Columbia County, me and some guys from the firehouse ran around hiding behind trees trying to shoot other guys running around and hiding behind trees. Our ragtag group thought we were bad until some of the other players showed up in full cammo and carrying guns that looked like sniper rifles. Mostly, we got schooled —but once or twice disorganization and haphazard tactics worked in our favor against a force of better trained and more heavily armed opponents.
I woke up Sunday with some angry red welts where I was hit, but it’s the shot I took to the head that really hurts. Good thing they didn’t hit anything important.
Yes, my G.I. Joe was ready for duty. He had the deck commander set, the firefighting suit, the space capsule. See those kids in the commercial? That was me —even if I didn’t have a pool in my living room.
The announcer was right: G.I. Joe was the greatest.
The nurse asked me, “How long will this take to grow back?”
She was shaving patches of hair off my body so she could attach EKG electrodes during my annual physical: three on the chest and one on each calf. How long to grow back? No idea —but certainly not in time for vacation on the beach.
Thanks to some bizarre brew of genetic happenstance, I am uncommonly hairy. No, I’m not real happy about this turn of fate, but what the hell? You play the hand you’re dealt. Oh sure, I’ve considered manscaping, but I don’t even like getting the hair on my head cut. Fortunately, Ann says she likes me just the way I am. If not for that -or if I were single or something- I’d be off to be waxed, trimmed, lasered…whatever it would take.
Last year on the beach a nearby family made no secret of their interest in my dog-like appearance. They gawked at me from their blanket, gesturing in my direction and chattering in amazement. Since they were speaking a foreign language I can’t give you a direct translation, but the inflection said, “Oh! Look at the hairy man!” They were obviously from a place where body hair is not the norm. My son Alex says, “Maybe they worship hairy people where they come from. Or monkeys.”
Anyway, the chest hair has mostly recovered from being sheared, but I still have two bare patches on my legs. And next time I go to the doctor I’ll be sure to do it in November.
The truth about women is that women rule the world. They are sensible and sane, and when driven to action they are extremely effective. Don’t cross them. The Glens Falls Post Star this morning reports:
FORT ANN — A 43-year-old woman has been charged with felony assault for allegedly beating a man with a piece of lumber, police said. Barbara A. Weaver, of Route 40, allegedly hit a man she knows in the back of the head twice, causing injuries that required treatment at Glens Falls Hospital.
As for women being effective, watch this video of a woman catching a bat in her house. Yeah, that’s cool —but look closely and you can see her male companion cowering outside the door, handing her the bat catching supplies. Dude!
Father’s Day is to Mother’s Day as President’s Day is to Christmas: no big deal.
And that’s OK.
We dads don’t really expect anything on Father’s Day —and besides, most of the Father’s Day gifts you see advertised are things involving work: tools, grills, and other mechanical implements. Hey, thanks! Cordless hedge trimmers! I can’t wait to get out there and trim the bushes on Father’s Day. Nope. We dads are happy to go quietly about our work without anyone making a big fuss over us. A card? Sure, but don’t spend any money. Really.
However, if you insist on giving dad a gift, he might be interested in the Nikon 18-200 mm ED-IF AF DX VR lens. This is the glass that Nikon fanboy Ken Rockwell calls “a miracle,” and “life changing.” It would allow dad to take nicer pictures of your children and your dog, so it’s not really a gift for him, it’s a gift for yourself. Is it expensive? Absolutely, but what are your memories worth?
Paul Grondahl’s story in the TU today starts like this: “Jeff Powers died for love.” It tells how Powers, 22, fell thirty feet while scaling the outside of his girlfriend’s apartment building. They’d had a fight and she asked him to leave. He was determined to see her.
You don’t have to look far to find examples of men doing exactly the wrong thing. Last week, two Amsterdam men were arrested after the broad daylight murder of Jose Payano. Police Chief Thomas Brownell called it “a case of jealousy out of control.” In Washington County, a teen was released on bail after being accused of threatening to kill his girlfriend and dozens of classmates at Cambridge High School. A 62-year-old man was charged with unlawful imprisonment and attempted rape after allegedly holding three different women against their will. Yes, 62-years-old.
When it comes to trouble men have tremendous potential. And at the three way intersection of love, rage, and jealousy, some will get hurt, some will go to jail, and some will never go home.
My standard of quality for grass is that it’s more green than brown. I know this makes me a pariah in a neighborhood of men who carefully cultivate and manicure the lawn, but to them I kindly suggest it’s time to get a freakin’ life. Plus it’s dangerous. Don’t they read the paper?
PITTSTOWN, N.Y. — A 65-year-old town man died today when the riding lawn mower he was operating flipped on an embankment and caught fire, trapping him underneath, State Police said.
DULUTH, Ga. - - A 35-year-old Fayette County man was killed Monday in a tragic accident. James Osborne Studdard, 35, was killed instantly when the lawn mower he was riding flipped over and fell about 8 to 10 feet off a terraced lawn. Capt. Frank Huggins of the Forsyth County Sheriff’s Office said, “No foul play is suspected.”
PINCKNEYVILLE, Ill. - - A Perry County man is killed after a lawn mowing accident. Deputies say 70 year-old Bill Mohr had been trimming the grass on a steep embankment outside his home, using a zero-turn radius lawn-mower. Officers say it slid down the hill and rolled over into a small body of water in Mohr’s back-yard, pinning him underneath.
BURLINGTON, Ky. – - An 86-year-old man was flown to University Hospital Tuesday afternoon after he suffered second-degree burns during an accident while refueling his lawn mower, according to Boone County emergency communication reports. He suffered burns to his hands and legs, reports state.
I will not poison the birds and bunnies to make the grass green, and I will not die for my lawn.
Today’s Mother’s Day tip: make those brunch/lunch/dinner reservations.
All Ann ever really wants on Mother’s Day is to have brunch at the Gideon Putnam, so when I forgot to make reservations it was a pretty big deal. It’s a very popular day there, and if you don’t book a month ahead, you’re screwed. Having blown my one responsibility, I did what men have always done in a crisis: I obfuscated. She asked, “You made reservations, right?” “Hahahahahahahaha. Why wouldn’t I have made reservations?” Meanwhile, a cold bead of sweat ran down my spine.
Mother’s Day rolled around and the butterflies swarmed in my gut. We arrived at the Gideon -six of us- and I fake smiled my way right down to the Georgian Room. I approached the hostess and ratcheted the obfuscation up to boldfaced lying. “Hi! Madeo? Eleven o’clock…for six?” The woman scanned her book. She turned the page. She turned it back. She looked at me. She looked down. “Of course,” she said. “Just one moment.” She scurried over to someone who had to be the manager. She tapped the book and shrugged her shoulders. He made a face and gestured to a table by the window. I pretended not to notice all this, but I’ve never been more interested in anything in my life.
It was a great Mother’s Day. It could have been my last.
It’s really important to use the right cut of lumber for the job at hand. We can find an example of using the wrong dimension in this story from WNYT:
AMSTERDAM - Two adults and one juvenile were transported to the hospital Friday night after a large fight, according to Amsterdam police. They say the altercation happened on Green Street and Kimball Street around 6:45 pm. Police say a large group of juveniles and adults were fighting with 2 x 4 boards as weapons.
While a 2 x 4 is imposing, it’s very difficult to get a good grip on it. Why not use a 2 x 2 instead? It’s a lightweight alternative that you can easily wrap your hand around. Don’t forget: take the time to inspect your wood for flaws and knots, especially if you’ll be using it in a visible location —like out on the street in front of your house.
At forty-six, you don’t bounce back the way you used to. Actually, I’m not sure you bounce at all. I took a firefighting class over the weekend and spent a fair amount of time crawling around on my hands and knees, climbing through windows, and dangling from ladders. When people hear you do this stuff, they talk about how it’s noble work and it’s great that you’re serving the community, and so on —but the truth is that it’s fun. When you’re eight-years-old and you see your father running out to fire calls, jumping on the trucks, and hanging out with the guys at the firehouse it leaves a powerful impression. It looks like fun when you’re eight and it looked like fun five years ago when I finally joined up. And fun it is.
