I Married a Celebrity

If you have not seen this commercial then that makes you the only person in a 100 mile radius who missed it. What makes this spot so special is that my wife, Ann, is prominently featured starring as The Woman Who Bought a Grill at Price Chopper. Have a look:

You might figure that people she knows are coming up and fussing over her new-found fame, but complete strangers? I’ve even had people at my new job upon meeting me ask, “Is that your wife in the Price Chopper commercial?”

Sure, I’ve been on TV a few times but compared to her role as a Chopper Shopper I’m a complete C-lister. That’s OK. I’m good with keeping my mouth shut and smiling, assuming the role of arm candy. After all, that’s what I’ve been doing for 22 wonderful years.

Pretty Good Friday

My fire department pager went off and the dispatcher transmitted that it was an alarm at Hannaford. As I was running out the door, Ann shouts to me, “Could you get me some of that granola I like while you’re there?”

According to the CDC, more than 86,500 Americans visit emergency rooms every year due to falls caused by pets and pet related objects. Dogs are overwhelmingly the culprits, accounting for an average of 71,452 injuries —30% of those are caused by tripping or falling over the dog(s). On average, 27 of the incidents annually involve both a cat and a dog. Watch your step.

A Nebraska woman was killed last week when a Taco Bell sign fell 75 feet and crushed the pickup truck she was sitting in. According to police, the woman and her husband were parked waiting for a Wyoming couple who were to purchase two of their dogs. From the North Platte Bulletin:

Officials said the couples agreed to meet in North Platte about 1 p.m., “right underneath the big Taco Bell sign.”

Dispatch from Fire Island

I am writing to you from the popular WiFi hot spot known as the neighbor’s wireless connection. I know that’s ethically questionable, but I’m sure they wouldn’t mind —especially if they knew I was doing something important. After all, this is Ocean Bay Park, where the citizens practice an easygoing laissez-faire lifestyle —and if I’m going to have to hear your freakin’ stereo at 2am, I’ll help myself to your internet.

“You watchin’ any Olympics?”
“Yeah…I was watching the beach volleyball yesterday.”
“The men or women?”
“Men play beach volleyball?”

Here’s what Elizabeth Edwards wrote last week:

“I am proud of the courage John showed by his honesty in the face of shame.”

That’s great, but maybe had John Edwards been courageous and honest enough not to cheat on his wife -while she was recovering from breast cancer- we could all share in her admiration for the former presidential candidate. Courage is not defined as fessing up when you get caught —but it could be described as sticking with the person you married when things get tough.

Why 3K

So Ann says, “I went over my minutes last month.” You what? “I went over my minutes. Last month.” Really? How many minutes do you get? “Three-thousand.” After I wiped away the coffee that shot out my nose, I cleaned off the laptop and started doing the math. That’s a lot of minutes. It’s fifty hours, or if you prefer, two days and two hours. It’s a week at work these days —and seven nights worth of sleep. It’s a hundred episodes of Thirty Minute Meals.
I don’t think anyone has ever described me as “chatty,” especially not in regard to the phone. My calls are monosyllabic affairs of cryptic guy-speak: “Yeah. Uh-huh. Maybe. You got that right.” But Ann is obviously another story. She loves to talk and people love to talk to her. Sure, some of it is work, but mostly it’s what she does best, being a good friend to the people she cares about.

Maybe I can give her some of my minutes.

The Ink Stink

I’m pretty sure that in ten years there will be big money in tattoo removal —in fact, if you can find a company that makes those tattoo erasing lasers, buy stock. I came Latest home to find that Alex had celebrated his twentieth birthday with some new and ink. He hoisted up his shirt and showed me his shoulder, and the brand new bloody skull with an eye patch. I said the first thing that came wholesale nfl jerseys to mind: “Cool.” I caught hell for this later. “Your job,” I was informed, “Is not to tell him that it’s ‘Cool,’ your job is Format: to Об tell him that it’s stupid.” I started to explain Monkey about how he’s expressing himself and he needs to make these decisions, and after wholesale mlb jerseys all, it’s too cheap jerseys late anyway. No Flaming dice. “Well,” I went on, “If he’d gotten a picture of Jesus tattooed cheap nba jerseys on his back, we wouldn’t be having this JEST conversation.” That, I found, was not the best argument Mouth to make on Good Friday. Have a look at after the jump. Continue reading “The Ink Stink”

Flaming Corsage

I can cook and clean and do laundry as cheap nfl jerseys well as cheap jerseys my mother, but let’s face it: there are some things that men are not able to handle. No, I’m not talking about childbirth, I am talking about corsages. Do not trust a man to order a corsage unless he’s given specific and exact instructions. We don’t know what you are wearing or what goes with it, nor do we particularly care. Yet if Clothes we call the florist to order a corsage -like I did for Easter today- the conversation goes like this:

Florist: What color flower would you like?
Me: I don’t know.
Florist: Well…what is she wearing?
Me: I have no idea. What goes with everything?
Florist: White.
Me: White pour is perfect.
Florist: What color ribbon would you like with that?
Me: It comes with a ribbon? Does that cost extra?

You get the idea. I ended up with a single white rose and a pale yellow ribbon. The ribbon, by the way, cost me nothing but goes with most everything. I will teach my sons that on Easter and Mother’s wholesale jerseys Day, flowers are nice but something that your wife can wear around all day long is even nicer.