The nurse asked me, “How long will this take to grow back?”
She was shaving patches of hair off my body so she could attach EKG electrodes during my annual physical: three on the chest and one on each calf. How long to grow back? No idea —but certainly not in time for vacation on the beach.
Thanks to some bizarre brew of genetic happenstance, I am uncommonly hairy. No, I’m not real happy about this turn of fate, but what the hell? You play the hand you’re dealt. Oh sure, I’ve considered manscaping, but I don’t even like getting the hair on my head cut. Fortunately, Ann says she likes me just the way I am. If not for that -or if I were single or something- I’d be off to be waxed, trimmed, lasered…whatever it would take.
Last year on the beach a nearby family made no secret of their interest in my dog-like appearance. They gawked at me from their blanket, gesturing in my direction and chattering in amazement. Since they were speaking a foreign language I can’t give you a direct translation, but the inflection said, “Oh! Look at the hairy man!” They were obviously from a place where body hair is not the norm. My son Alex says, “Maybe they worship hairy people where they come from. Or monkeys.”
Anyway, the chest hair has mostly recovered from being sheared, but I still have two bare patches on my legs. And next time I go to the doctor I’ll be sure to do it in November.
Word came up from the newsroom that they were doing a story on neti pots. “Neti pots,” said a coworker. “Who the hell is neti pots?”
In some places the neti pot is as common as the toothbrush. It’s the tool used in the ancient ritual of jala neti, the practice of cleansing your sinus cavities with saline solution. You stick the stem of the neti pot in your nose, tilt your head and allow the fluid to drain out your other nostril. It sounds crazy, but let me tell you, this allergy season has been trouble free. I first heard about it on NPR. That figures, doesn’t it?
Pouring warm salt water in your nose takes a little getting used to. My first time was a disastrous mess, and since I used too much salt it burned like mad —but with a little practice I was soon a neti master. I shot a video of myself doing this, but it was so bizarre and revolting that I recorded over it. Fortunately, there are something like 175 neti pot videos on YouTube. I don’t recommend doing it at the kitchen sink like this guy, or after smoking pot like these women, but watch a few and you’ll get the idea. Below is the least offensive one I could find. If you suffer from allergies and sinus issues you may want to try this. It’s odd, but come on: you do grosser things in the bathroom.
I was reading a story Sunday about people driven batty by the noises that come from their artificial joints. One guy found that it’s causing some… ummm… bedroom trouble:
“It can interrupt sex when my wife starts laughing,” said one man, who discussed the matter on the condition that he not be named.
While laughter has a important and natural role in your most intimate moments, I guess we need to draw the distinction between laughing with and laughing at. I’m happy to say that I’ve never been laughed at during those most private moments. At least not yet. And I did say during, didn’t I?
Laughing with is wonderful and healthy, and hey, what the hell: who doesn’t enjoy funny noises? Even during the old how-do-you-do?
Oh, yeah: what do these squeeky hips sound like? Glad you asked: listen to one on YouTube. They’ve got everything on YouTube these days.
