I’ve been trying to find a way to monetize the pets. Heaven knows we spend a lot of money on them, so it would be nice to see a little ROI for all our TLC.

Then I heard several people complain lately about finding mice in their homes and it dawned on me: Rent-a-Cat. I’m not the first person to suggest renting cats, but this is an idea whose time has come. Why call Catseye when you can have a real cat’s eye on the job?

We’ve go three cats in our house who are up to the work. I figure $100 a week is fair. If you want more than one cat at a time we can talk. Here’s what’s in stock:

Maggie: A large calico with a bad attitude. This cat will not merely catch the mice but shred them into little to pieces. It may be difficult to confirm her kills if you have dogs. In my experience dogs are more likely to eat dismembered mice than whole mice.

Maeve: She may not be quick and agile, but she makes up for this with stealth. Maeve is adept at sitting perfectly still for long periods of time waiting for mice to come to her. Maeve can be baited to make her more attractive to mice by rubbing cheese or peanut butter on her head. Rodents find these scents irresistible and will walk right into her clutches.

Mia: Born on the mean streets of Schenectady, Mia combines youth and speed with a killer instinct. Because of her small size she can fit into the places where mice hide and ferret them out. We advise keeping food off your kitchen counter and the garbage can tightly sealed when using Mia.

Local delivery and pickup is free, but shipping is available. Cats arrive at your home in a day or two packed in a padded, vented container. Ask about our rent to own option.

The Glenmont Cat Wrangler

The big news in town? The cat situation on Pineridge Place. It seems that neighborhood felines have taken a liking to the quiet cul-de-sac making it their favorite place to relieve themselves. The issue as been covered by both the Times Union and our local weekly paper, The Spotlight, who say the cats have “Turned the area into a giant litter box.”

One resident claims, “The whole street just stinks. You can’t even walk around the circle without the scent of cat urine and feces knocking you down.”

On top of that she claims that her toddler was going around the yard picking up cat poop. “I want my child to be able to play outside in the dirt, but she can’t because the outside is a litter box.”

That’s a pretty funny quote, isn’t it? Anyway, the bottom line is now these folks want a law that would prohibit residents from letting cats roam free.

I have a better idea. There’s a guy in town who calls himself the Delmar Dog Butler who makes his living cleaning up dog crap in your backyard. I’m thinking of becoming the Glenmont Cat Wrangler.

People say you can’t herd cats, but those people have never met my dogs. These two actually can herd cats and for a very reasonable fee I’d be willing to turn them loose on Pineridge Place. They will not merely run the cats off but encircle and move them away from your property.

That’s not all. Maddy, the black and white one, has quite an appetite for cat poop so she will not only herd cats but clean up your yard. Don’t be fooled by the sweet face —to her cat feces is like filet mignon.

Just remember not to let her kiss you on the mouth.

Poop Chute

DSC_0095When you have two dogs the question of poop becomes an issue. Enter the Doggie Dooley Pet Waste Disposal System. It’s described as, “A miniature septic tank for you dog’s waste.”

That’s pretty accurate but I prefer to call it, “A disgusting pit for dog crap filled with revolting water that has a tendency to splash up at you.”

When this thing arrived at my house I was skeptical —even before I dug the three foot pit required for installation. I especially got a kick out of the Doggie Dooley logo, which is supposed to be a dog reading the paper while kinda sorta taking a crap. Yes, that’s exactly how it works —except the dogs don’t read the paper, you still need to pick up the poop, and every time you use it you risk being splashed by a vile brew of water and dog feces.

But hey, what are you going to do, throw that stuff over the fence?

Squirrely Squirrels

Got a text message the other day: Your squirrel friend is at the window for you.

I can’t remember exactly when I started feeding the squirrels outside my office window. In the beginning it was chunks of bagels or donuts that I’d swipe from the kitchenette in the sales department —but soon I was buying nuts at the grocery store and tossing them out onto the roof. The squirrels would dart around searching for their treats and carry them off to God knows where.

Pretty soon instead of throwing stuff out the window I began leaving it on the windowsill. Before long this became a regular stop on the squirrel itinerary as they dropped in to see what was on the menu. Sunflower seeds, candy, crackers, pretzels, Oreo cookies —you name it. It was not unusual to look outside and have a squirrel looking back at you.

This was all very cute until we accidentally left a window open one Friday afternoon. Monday morning our desks were covered with tiny footprints —and down the hall someone’s stash of M & Ms had been ripped open. There was candy everywhere: in coffee mugs, on bookshelves, and in every dark corner of the office. We were still finding it three years later.

I texted back: Get him a bag of granola from vending machine. I’ll pay you back.

That’s Funny…

I don’t remember saying I’d like another cat roaming around the house but someone brought this kitten home over the weekend. What am I going to do say, “Bring it back”?

You can’t tell from this picture but she has no tail. Maybe that’s why she was free.

8 Simple Rules For Walking On My Hardwood Floors

FloorsTo my family: As we near the completion of the flooring project this would be a good time to point out a thing or two. Brazilian cherry is known for its beauty and durability -indeed it’s renowned as an extremely hard hardwood- but to preserve the quality of this material and honor the tireless work that went into its installation certain steps must be taken:

  1. No high heels. Some of us remember the dimples they left on the floors in Albany and it wasn’t pretty.
  2. No soccer cleats. That may sound like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.
  3. Do not carry items that are sharp or have angular edges while traversing the Brazilian cherry.
  4. No open flames are allowed in rooms with the new flooring.
  5. It is impractical to keep the dogs off the floors and it would be cruel to have them de-clawed so they must wear Muttluks Hott Doggers Dog Boots or other approved footwear.
  6. Please stay on the runners and area rugs and avoid stepping the exposed wood portion of the floor.
  7. Promptly wipe up standing water.
  8. Immediately report any incidents involving the floor. You are better off fessing up immediately than being caught later.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Kanine Korner

Dogs have so many charming habits: drinking from toilets, butt licking, rolling in dead fish, feasting on garbage… there are really too many to list here. But few things are more off-putting than poop eating. You may not find the idea of eating poop very appealing, but some dogs can’t get enough of it —and it’s such an issue that there are products to make them stop, like Doctor’s Foster and Smith Extra Strength Dis-Taste.

As it says in the catalog: “Improved formulas created by our veterinarians help break the disturbing habit of stool eating.”

Oh, yes disturbing and disgusting. Nauseating, even. So how does this miraculous cure work? “Digestive aid helps by making feces taste awful to your dog.”

That’s right: in the world of dogs up is down, right is wrong, two plus two equals five, and poop tastes like filet mignon.

One caveat: this product must be given to the dog whose poop is being eaten —not the dog doing the eating. Unless they are one in the same of course. And this won’t stop your dog from eating cat poop. If Fido considers it his job to keep the litter box tidy you will need For-Bid, which is advertised as making cat crap taste bad. Who knew we needed special stuff to do that?

Now go give your dog a big kiss on the mouth.