The Case of the Parking Lot Pooper

Well, I haven’t written about poop in a while, but this one caught my eye. From the MetroWest Daily News in Framingham, MA:

At least eight times since early December, the owner of the Natick Outdoor Store made an unpleasant discovery when he arrived at work – a pile of human feces. On Wednesday, Natick Police arrested Andrea F. Grocer, 51, of Ashland, in the parking lot of the store at 38 North Ave. where they found her getting ready to use it as a toilet once again, authorities said.

A related story says that Ms. Grocer claimed to suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, but she could not explain why she would not simply poop in one of the many public toilets that were nearby. It’s sad — shitty, really — especially when you see her mugshot, which I won’t re-publish, but you can look at here.

However, the real reason I wrote this was to point out a remark from Natick Police spokeswoman Lt. Cara Rossi:

“At first, they thought it was an animal but then they noticed toilet paper and other wipes – items animals would not have access to.”

I can’t tell if Lt. Rossi is being a wiseass or inintentionally funny, but either way, she wins the award for quote of the week.

Man Shopping

It’s Christmas crunch time, and the hours are dwindling. I don’t know about you, but there’s still shopping to be done  — and I’m thinking this would all be easier if I were married to another man.

A man, you ask?

Yes, because if I had a husband and not a wife I’d just go out and buy things that I like. For example, I’d start with a trip to  Lowes or Home Depot and pick out some tools. Guys like tools. It doesn’t much matter if they won’t be used frequently, because as collectors of tools we just like to know that we have them. Another great things about tools is that there is something for every budget; you can spend just a few bucks and get something interesting — or if you really care about your man, how about a Dewalt 12-in 15-Amp Dual Bevel Sliding Compound Miter Saw. You really care, don’t you?

While you’re at it, stop at the beverage center and get some fancy beer — and if you still need something, get on Stubhub and buy some football tickets.

Oh, I could go on all day like this, but I am not married to a man and I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing.

Important Advice For Men #82

Gentlemen, it’s a sad fact of life that relationships do not always work out. You may find yourself in the unfortunate situation of breaking up with someone you’re dating or facing divorce proceedings. If that is the case, you may want to avoid consuming food or drink prepared by your future former partner.

As an example, let us turn to the case of Catherine Kieu Becker. According to ABC News:

After she laced her husband’s food with an unknown drug or poison, he lay down, believing something was wrong with the food, according to police reports. Her husband then woke up tied to the bed as Becker cut off his penis with a knife. She then threw the genitalia in the garbage disposal and turned the disposal on, Lt. Jeff Nightengale of Garden Grove, Calif. police, said.

The cutting off part may not convince you, but the garbage disposal is a clincher.

Hell Hath No Fury

We occasionally like to remind our male readers that they should watch their step. (Keyboard Krumbs does not endorse violence as a remedy to domestic disputes)

No Smoking Means No Smoking
ROANOKE RAPIDS, VA — A Roanoke Rapids woman is in jail with no bond after authorities say she beat her husband with a broom stick and stabbed him with scissors for smoking in the house.
According to reports, Sandy Johnson Garner, 28, Dayshon Garner’s wife had a rule of “no smoking” in the house. He, however went to the bathroom and smoked. At first his wife was suspicious, but then she became infuriated, authorities said.
Temple said she first threatened her husband through the door. Armed with a broom and a pair of scissors, she kicked the door down and began to beat and stab Dayshon Garner. (Roanoke Rapids Daily Herald)

Paging Moe Howard
STROUDSBURG, PA — A 61-year-old woman upset with her husband struck him in the crotch with a crowbar and then hit him in the head with it, Stroud Area Regional police said.
Police said Dale Morris got angry over a note her husband left her and when he came home, she confronted him and then struck him in the crotch with a crowbar. When he bent over, she struck him in the head with the crowbar. Police and court records did not indicate what was written in the note. (The Morning Call, Allentown)

Just Say No to Sarcasm
HOLLAND, MA — A 42-year-old woman, fed up with her ex-husband’s sarcasm, allegedly shot him in the hand with a pellet gun, police said.
Ruth Foley, 42, of 6 Williams Lane, was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, police said. Ms. Foley allegedly told police she armed herself with the victim’s pellet gun because two cats were fighting in the yard while the victim worked on a vehicle.
“She said he began speaking to her sarcastically and they began to argue, prompting her to shoot on the ground in front of him.” She struck him with a second shot, the acting chief said. Ms. Foley said she didn’t mean to hit him, but “in a way I wanted to hurt him,” the acting chief said. (Worcester Telegram & Gazette)


Surely, you’ve heard by now about Steeler’s strong safety Troy Polamalu’s hair being insured for a million bucks. That’s impressive, especially considering the way men’s hair is valued in my house.

I did a little consumer research in the shower this morning and discovered that the shampoo I’ve been using, Suave Ocean Breeze, cost only $.99. Meanwhile, my wife’s shampoos and conditioners (three different bottles) all cost between $15 and $20 each. They even sound better, like her Rusk Sensories Calm Guarna and Ginger Nourishing Shampoo ($15.99). Mmmm… guarna. My shampoo sounds like a feminine hygiene product.

Not that I care, really.

I’d be OK with soap — in fact, on vacation I went a whole week using just a can of Barbasol shaving cream as soap, shampoo, and yes, for shaving. I know that sounds weird, but it was an outdoor shower, we were at the beach… forget it, you had to be there.

I did not brush my teeth with the Barbarsol, but maybe if I’d had a can of the Soothing Aloe…

What Women REALLY Want

I’m a lucky man who has a perfect marriage. Sometimes I wonder how I could be so fortunate to have my wonderful wife. Why would she want to be with me? Now I know.

The Mirror has published the definitive list of what women want — and gentlemen, this some outstanding news. Here’s their list:

  1. Has facial stubble
  2. Is a bit geeky
  3. Has a hairy chest
  4. Avid book reader
  5. Cries at soppy film
  6. Sings along to a song while dancing to it
  7. Grey hair
  8. Sweaty after workout
  9. Wears glasses
  10. Has a passion for sports

That’s me.

Regarding crying at the movies, it’s only at manly things like “Rudy” or “Brian’s Song” and that’s more sort of damp eyed than actual tears. Also, I’m not much of a singer or dancer, but after a couple of drinks I can do both brilliantly, even at the same time.  By the way — and talk about burying the lede — I don’t know how this didn’t make the list:

“More than half would be happier with a man who was soft and cuddly instead of toned and muscular.”

Well, this really changes everything, doesn’t it.

One caveat to you single guys: the polling company that conducted this research is based in the UK. It’s pretty cheap to fly to London in April, so wipe off your brow, put away the laptop, pull on your Jets jersey, and get your stubbly, bookish, nearsighted, sentimental, uninhibited, salt and peppery, hairy self down to the travel agent. Pronto.

Cuts Like a Knife

beatrixEvery once in a while I like to remind you of the dangers of women with knives. Men are full of stupid remarks. Women have easy access to knives. It’s a bad combination.

WALDEN, NY – Police arrested a woman Wednesday who they say stabbed her boyfriend in the arm. Investigating a domestic dispute that occurred Tuesday, police spoke with a victim who reported that he was assaulted outside his home. When the story didn’t add up, police got a search warrant, and found a bloody knife, and signs of a disturbance inside his house. Times Herald Record

STROUDSBURG, PA -A Stroudsburg woman was arrested Tuesday for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend with a steak knife after an argument. Marianne Strausser, 49, stabbed the boyfriend, who was not named, at 8:20 p.m. Tuesday at 3319 Strausser Lane in Jackson Township, state police at Fern Ridge said. The Morning Call

CHESTER, SC – An argument in the kitchen while cooking chicken led to a Rock Hill man being stabbed in the back with a steak knife, police say. A 40-year-old Rock Hill man refused medical treatment after being stabbed at his Constitution Boulevard residence Monday night, according to a Rock Hill police report. Christal Jackson, 30, of Chester was charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature. Charlotte Observer

WINONA, MN – A Winona woman cut a man’s hand with a knife and threatened to kill him, police said. Holly Kay Fruetel, 53, is charged with two counts of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon, two counts of domestic assault and a count of terroristic threats. She said she was cutting an onion during an argument with the man, and he sliced his hand when he grabbed for the knife, according to the criminal complaint made available Tuesday. Winona Daily News

The Myth of Female Multitasking

Much has been made of women and their magical power to multitask. They can handle work, household responsibilities, paying the bills, family health care needs, and monitor the kids all while keeping themselves looking lovely. To this I say, “Bunkum!”

It’s become conventional wisdom that females are masters at juggling a variety of tasks at once while men are best off focusing on one thing at a time. This topic exploded in the media in 2007 when cell phone manufacturer Nokia released the results of an online survey suggesting that women were superior at multitasking.

You should always be suspicious of online surveys. They may be fun and interesting, but they are not scientific —however, there was one finding in the survey that speaks volumes:

Only six percent of women believe that men are better at doing more than one thing at a time.

So, is this a study about multitasking or perceptions of multitasking?

And who says men can’t multitask. As an example I mapped my activities on Sunday, December 13 between 1pm and 4pm —a time during which I watched two football games, listened to a third on the radio, and cooked a delicious dinner:

multitasking 1

If that’s not multitasking, I don’t know what is? So there.

Important Advice For Men #48

Gentlemen: if you’re going to say or do something stupid it’s best not do so when there are knives within reach. For example:

ROGERSVILLE, TN – A Hawkins County woman was charged Monday with aggravated domestic assault after she allegedly stabbed her husband in the face during an altercation while making lunch. The alleged victim, Jeremy Trent, told Hilton that he was in a verbal dispute with his wife when he called her an ugly name. Kingsport Times-News

SCRANTON, PA – A city woman was arrested early Tuesday for allegedly threatening her ex-husband with a knife. Katherine Miraval, 25, of Depot Street was charged with aggravated assault, burglary and reckless endangerment. Ms. Miraval allegedly woke Mr. Palomares by entering his bedroom with a 12-inch kitchen knife, saying they would either rekindle their relationship or both die. Scranton Times Tribune

WATERTOWN, NY – Renee E. Gokey, 38, of 235 Central St., was charged by Watertown police Tuesday with second-degree menacing, third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, second-degree harassment, first-degree unlawful imprisonment and resisting arrest. Police alleged she punched her boyfriend, Robert C. Rennie, 38, in the back of the head, tackled him, pointed a large bowie knife and stated “I will kill you before you leave” during an incident in their

LAKE KATRINE, NY – A man was stabbed by his girlfriend Thursday morning but lied to investigators about who attacked him in an effort to protect the woman, according to the town police chief. The man, Adam Alo, 21, was stabbed with a steak knife in the upper chest and left arm and suffered non-life-threatening injuries, according to the town of Ulster Police Department. Alo’s girlfriend, Shaquan London, 20, of Leggs Mill Road, was arrested later in the day, charged with felony assault and sent to the Ulster County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail, police said. Kingston Daily Freeman

AUSTIN, MN – A 21-year-old Austin woman is accused of slashing a man in the back with a knife, biting him in the chest and smashing his vehicle’s windows with a baseball bat Saturday night. Juana Viviana Lopez, is charged with single felony counts of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon and making terroristic threats, as well as a lesser count of fourth-degree property damage. The man told police Lopez was upset because he still was married to a woman in Mexico. In a police interview, the man said he was almost asleep when Lopez attacked him. As he tried to get away, Lopez allegedly kicked him in the groin and grabbed a kitchen knife, saying, “I’m going to kill you.” He ran outside but was chased by Lopez for a block, the complaint says. Austin Post-Bulletin