Anyone Can Whistle

I kinda swore that I would never coach soccer again, but guess what I’m doing this season? The soccer club sent out an appeal for volunteers last week saying they’d drop a team if they couldn’t find another coach. I was afraid I was on their sh*t list after making fun of their logo, goofing on annoying soccer parents, and bragging about my losing record, but I guess all is forgiven.

What I’ve learned from being a wiseass is that people who take something seriously take it very seriously. Michael Kinahan of Scituate, MA learned this lesson a little too late.

Maybe you heard of the tongue  in cheek email Kinahan sent to the parents of his 7-year-old soccer players? It’s the one where he dubbed his team “Green Death” and said he expects the girls to play “like a Michael Vick pit bull.”

Here’s a sample of his letter:

I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.

You can read the whole thing here. Bottom line is that some of the parents didn’t get that it was intended to be humorous and Mr. Kinahan ended up quitting.

In his resignation he explained that the email was  “Meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports. It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons.”

He goes on: “While I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it’s funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness.”

You and me both, brother.


Wolfe Island, Ontario sits at the mouth of the St. Lawrence River. Year round there are more cows than people, but during July and August the population swells as Summer folks fill the cottages that line the shore. In Canada they call them cottages, not camps. Funny Canadians! Anyway, that’s where I’ll be for the next week. And for the the first time in a long time I’m going offline. I was all set to buy a month of dial-up service —until I found out that there’s no phone line. Then somebody said there’s a computer at the library in the village, but a little research (online) revealed that it’s open less than 20 hours per week —and you need a library card.

I may try to see if I can leech off someone’s wireless near the ferry, but other than that, consider me off the hook.

Neighbor To Neighbor

Soccer BoyIt’s official: my piece about the Bethlehem Soccer Club’s cool new eagle logo was a hit! Here’s what readers of the Times Union’s Bethlehem Blog had to say:

“As a Bethlehem resident and as a player in the Bethlehem soccer club for the last 15 years I find it absurd and troubling that you would point this out.”
“You are not too bright.”
“Here’s a little bit of advice for you, next time before you write you might wanna think a little bit.”
“Maybe you should spend less time criticizing others that are volunteering their time to help your child, and more time raising your child.”
“Do you have anything better to do with your time?”

I was also called ignorant. Twice. Anyway, as you can see from this picture, kids in Bethlehem -like this unidentified child- are wild about the new logo and have fully embraced its deeper meaning.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Keyboard Krumbs did not conceive, assist in the production, or solicit the creation of the accompanying photo.

Unfinished Business

5/26/08 – Written on Back of Napkin
Why’s David Paterson so popular with the ladies? He has a cute glaucoma.

4/23/08 – Dinner Conversation
Zack: If Alex was on death row, would you make him his favorite food as a last meal?
Ann: Did he try to kill me, too?
Zack: No, he just killed someone else.
Ann: Yes.

4/19/08 – Unfinished Blog Post
Getting old. It blows, doesn’t it? I’ve been fighting aging by acting more immature, but the jury’s still out on how this is working out.

Undated – Scrawled on Back of Deposit Slip
Xcuse me? Are you off your meds?

Undated – Folded Up Post It Note
ortho bucks…ipods…needles…eyelids…has mono “i’m not getting mono”…jesus c.s…group discuss…

5/2/08 – Unfinished Blog Post
So Zack whispers to me in church, “That’s cool.” Cool? “Yeah, cool.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“The axe. It’s cool.” What?!
“The axe of the Apostles. You know. They had axes. That’s cool.”


Heard It Through The Bovine
Feeling a need to cozy up with my neighbors, I started contributing to the TU’s Bethlehem Blog. My first post, a reprint of the Bethlehem Soccer Club/Nazi Eagle item drew the hostile response I predicted. This week, I put up something about the new tattoo parlor in town. This is a departure from the happy mommy/charming village/rah-rah stuff that’s mostly on that blog.

Ann says to me, “Are they paying you?” No, I explain, but remember what they say: do what you love and the money will follow. “Oh, yeah? They also say ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'”

Off And Running
Madeo returns tomorrow in the $75,000 Alydar Stakes at Hollywood Park. Mike Smith, who brought the colt from behind to win on April 30th, will take the mount once again. Haven’t seen early odds yet, but expect Madeo and Harlene to be favorites. The Alydar is tomorrow’s second race and post time will be about 4:50 east coast time. With six horses running some exotic betting may be in order.

This One’s For The Ladies

A local woman was charged with murder after allegedly stabbing her ex-boyfriend to death on a Troy street corner. She had earlier keyed his car and was also charged with criminal mischief.

Airing of Grievances

Paul Vandenburgh of Talk 1300 referred to me as a slug, a creep, and a punk on the air yesterday morning —not necessarily in that order. He then continued his half-hour long rant saying I had, “No talent” and “No ability.” Well, Mr. Vandenburgh, you are wrong. WRONG! I have lots of ability. Talent? Eh….

The punk thing’s interesting. What with all the Ramones and Flogging Molly on my iPod, yes, I’m totally a punk. And I’ll gladly cop to the slug label. Who doesn’t love those spunky Banana Slugs of the University of California at Santa Cruz?

But a creep? I’ll defer to you on that, Vandenburgh, because you’re the expert.


People at home were getting nervous —and they started in with the disclaimers. Zack or Ann would go, “This is not for your blog, but…” Or they’d do something funny and then warn me after that it better not show up on Keyboard Krumbs.

I will not have my home be a place where people are afraid to speak their mind. No one should worry that they’ll be ridiculed for asking a question or expressing themselves in any way. As for the blog, certain things are off limits. And this is why I have established the Not For Blog rule.

Under Not For Blog (NFB), everyone has a yellow flag which they may throw once a week, declaring something NFB. If they see me looking at them funny, or worse yet taking notes, the yellow flag can be used to negate my right to publish it on the blog.

Conversely, I have the right to overrule four NFB calls per month. This is exercised by throwing a red flag I keep tucked in my sock, Bill Belichick style. Weekly NFB declarations may not be carried over and accumulated, but I can use my four overrules any time I like and on anyone I wish. This brings into question the matter of strategy. Do you save your NFB overrules until the last week, or use them as you go along?

I’ve decided to save them because this keeps people on their toes. And since the end of the month is approaching, I’d advise everybody to think before opening their mouths.

Eye Witness

Casey Seiler from the Times Union wanted to know where we could meet and have lunch. Lunch? I have no idea —I bring my lunch. I emailed back the first thing that came to mind: how about the 76 Diner? For some reason the 76 Diner seemed like the right place to spill your guts to a reporter.

I walked in the door and realized that the 76 also looks like a good place for a mob hit. Having seen a lot of gangster movies, I tried to jockey around so my back was against the wall and not exposed to the entrance. Mr. Seiler has also seen those movies, and being young and agile, he beat me to it. Anyway, here’s the column that emerged from our little get together. Just for the record, I had the grilled chicken club, making my story worth approximately $8.99.

Oh…You can also find a copy of the story here.