He Who Sleeps with Dogs

The most hotly debated topic in the pet community has to be the dogs in bed question. Some people say that this should be forbidden —others welcome the hounds with open arms.

To listen to dog nuts experts, you’d think you were letting your teenage kids climb into bed with you.

I’m a lot more flexible –but it may be becoming an issue.

One of our dogs –the smart one– places herself unobtrusively at the foot of the bed. The other –the not so bright one– insists on stretching out up near my face. That wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t lick my head and try to put her tongue in my mouth when I’m sleeping. There are worse things to wake up to at 1:30am, but not many.

Some nights the the head licker ends up downstairs in her crate. She’s happy to sleep there, but other times she looks up at you with those big brown eyes and wins the battle of the bed. Those are the nights I let sleeping dogs lie and end up on the couch.

It’s time to put my foot down. Consider yourselves on notice: this bed’s not big enough for the four of us. That’s directed at the dogs, not the wife.

Christmas Goes to the Dogs

Have you noticed that everybody sent picture cards this year? Maybe because it’s cheaper and easier to do than ever before. Even my 90-year-old Aunt Harriet sent out a picture card. She looks great, by the way —but I can’t say the same for everyone who stuck their mug on a card. Not naming names here, but some of you really need to go back to the Hallmarks.

A few of you probably think it’s vain and narcissistic to send out a picture of yourself on an Xmas card. So for you I sent out a picture of my dogs, Maddy and Scarlett. And on behalf of them I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from Maddy and Scarlett

Big Box Store

In my house we cling to the quaint old habit of reading stories to each other from the newspaper.

“Hmmm…It says here that Wal-Mart’s now selling caskets.”

My wife Ann nearly did a Danny Thomas spit take. She knew what I was thinking.

“I swear to God if you buy me at coffin at WalMart I’m going to come back and haunt you.”

big box

We’ve had this conversation before. To me a box is a box and since I’d sort of prefer to be cremated putting me in an expensive piece of furniture seems like a terrible waste. I’d be OK with a cardboard container or a Hefty bag or something. It’s been made clear that is she goes before I do -which is statistically improbable- she expects the best of everything: beautiful coffin, well-appointed funeral home, harpist…

“You get mad at me because I won’t use coupons at Price Chopper. —and now you don’t want me to shop around for something expensive like a funeral?”

Cue the stare.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but just in case I’d better pay attention to her wishes. By the way —I wonder if you buy one of those coffins they can pack your other purchases inside? Shipping an empty box also seems wasteful.

The Glenmont Cat Wrangler

The big news in town? The cat situation on Pineridge Place. It seems that neighborhood felines have taken a liking to the quiet cul-de-sac making it their favorite place to relieve themselves. The issue as been covered by both the Times Union and our local weekly paper, The Spotlight, who say the cats have “Turned the area into a giant litter box.”

One resident claims, “The whole street just stinks. You can’t even walk around the circle without the scent of cat urine and feces knocking you down.”

On top of that she claims that her toddler was going around the yard picking up cat poop. “I want my child to be able to play outside in the dirt, but she can’t because the outside is a litter box.”

That’s a pretty funny quote, isn’t it? Anyway, the bottom line is now these folks want a law that would prohibit residents from letting cats roam free.

I have a better idea. There’s a guy in town who calls himself the Delmar Dog Butler who makes his living cleaning up dog crap in your backyard. I’m thinking of becoming the Glenmont Cat Wrangler.

People say you can’t herd cats, but those people have never met my dogs. These two actually can herd cats and for a very reasonable fee I’d be willing to turn them loose on Pineridge Place. They will not merely run the cats off but encircle and move them away from your property.

That’s not all. Maddy, the black and white one, has quite an appetite for cat poop so she will not only herd cats but clean up your yard. Don’t be fooled by the sweet face —to her cat feces is like filet mignon.

Just remember not to let her kiss you on the mouth.

Poop Chute

DSC_0095When you have two dogs the question of poop becomes an issue. Enter the Doggie Dooley Pet Waste Disposal System. It’s described as, “A miniature septic tank for you dog’s waste.”

That’s pretty accurate but I prefer to call it, “A disgusting pit for dog crap filled with revolting water that has a tendency to splash up at you.”

When this thing arrived at my house I was skeptical —even before I dug the three foot pit required for installation. I especially got a kick out of the Doggie Dooley logo, which is supposed to be a dog reading the paper while kinda sorta taking a crap. Yes, that’s exactly how it works —except the dogs don’t read the paper, you still need to pick up the poop, and every time you use it you risk being splashed by a vile brew of water and dog feces.

But hey, what are you going to do, throw that stuff over the fence?

8 Simple Rules For Walking On My Hardwood Floors

FloorsTo my family: As we near the completion of the flooring project this would be a good time to point out a thing or two. Brazilian cherry is known for its beauty and durability -indeed it’s renowned as an extremely hard hardwood- but to preserve the quality of this material and honor the tireless work that went into its installation certain steps must be taken:

  1. No high heels. Some of us remember the dimples they left on the floors in Albany and it wasn’t pretty.
  2. No soccer cleats. That may sound like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.
  3. Do not carry items that are sharp or have angular edges while traversing the Brazilian cherry.
  4. No open flames are allowed in rooms with the new flooring.
  5. It is impractical to keep the dogs off the floors and it would be cruel to have them de-clawed so they must wear Muttluks Hott Doggers Dog Boots or other approved footwear.
  6. Please stay on the runners and area rugs and avoid stepping the exposed wood portion of the floor.
  7. Promptly wipe up standing water.
  8. Immediately report any incidents involving the floor. You are better off fessing up immediately than being caught later.

Thank you for your cooperation.