Tag: manly matters

Splinter Group

Cub Scout Pinewood Derby has figured large in my life. Between my two sons, I have built many advised on the construction of many Pinewood Derby cars, worked on numerous Pinewood events, and spent countless hours at the races. That’s why this Subaru commercial sort of moved me. Mostly.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2ANYp_jI_0]

As you can see, the young lad who takes first place built his own car —unlike his rival whose car was obviously made by dad. It’s unfortunate when these events become a contest between the fathers instead of one between the boys —but what’s more unfortunate is that the scouts in this commercial are wearing Brownie vests.

Yes, Brownie vests. If you are unfamiliar with what Brownie vests look like, please click this link. Then look at the commercial again. And look at the link again. I rest my case. Brownie vests.

Is this someone’s idea of a joke, portraying the industrious boys in this commercial wearing girl uniforms? An underhand shot at the Boy Scouts of America, maybe? Call me a nut, but the truth is that scouting has been under assault for years.

Sure, I understand that maybe you couldn’t get permission to use a Cub Scout uniform —but it doesn’t take much imagination to come up with a knock-off. Putting the boys in Brownie vests? With all due respect to the Brownies, that’s just wrong.

UPDATE: Watch South Park’s take on Pinewood. It’s spot on!

Anyone Can Whistle

I kinda swore that I would never coach soccer again, but guess what I’m doing this season? The soccer club sent out an appeal for volunteers last week saying they’d drop a team if they couldn’t find another coach. I was afraid I was on their sh*t list after making fun of their logo, goofing on annoying soccer parents, and bragging about my losing record, but I guess all is forgiven.

What I’ve learned from being a wiseass is that people who take something seriously take it very seriously. Michael Kinahan of Scituate, MA learned this lesson a little too late.

Maybe you heard of the tongue  in cheek email Kinahan sent to the parents of his 7-year-old soccer players? It’s the one where he dubbed his team “Green Death” and said he expects the girls to play “like a Michael Vick pit bull.”

Here’s a sample of his letter:

I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.

You can read the whole thing here. Bottom line is that some of the parents didn’t get that it was intended to be humorous and Mr. Kinahan ended up quitting.

In his resignation he explained that the email was  “Meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports. It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons.”

He goes on: “While I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it’s funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness.”

You and me both, brother.

Trickery!

Network TV is so desperate that they’ve started using deceptive and unfair tricks to make people watch their stupid shows. Take Dancing With the Stars for example.

As I’ve written before, I flee from the room when that program comes on —and so does my 13- year-old son, Zack. But the producers have discovered a devious way to get me to watch: by featuring NFL players among the stars. How could I not watch former NY Giant Lawrence Taylor trying to do the cha-cha? Granted, it’s not as exciting as watching him break Joe Theisman’s leg, but hey it’s LT.

Last week both Zack and I were drawn into this insipid show because they not only featured Lawrence Taylor, but Steve-O from Jackass. And they put Apple founder Steve Wozniak on to appeal to the geeks. Hopefully it will not take long for natural selection to weed out the manly elements and we can stop watching.

Don’t Drink the Water

Not Poland Spring Sparkling Spring Water With Lemon Essence

This I guarantee: the fluid in that bottle is not Poland Spring Sparkling Spring Water with Lemon Essence. Oh sure, it may have once been deliciously crisp and refreshing sparkling water with a hint of citrus —but it isn’t anymore.

I saw this bottle in the parking lot at work and just had to take a picture. Why? Because it tells us something interesting about men: we can pee anywhere at anytime, even in the car.  Maybe the idea of  urinating in the car sounds revolting but believe me, it can be handy in a pinch.

Anyway, there are two things to remember if you are going to pee in a bottle in your car: first, Gatorade bottles are much easier to use. Second, please properly dispose of urine filled containers. Thank you for your cooperation.

Rude Awakening

It’s well documented that heart attacks kill more firefighters than fires, but I’ve been wondering  how many of those deaths are caused by pagers going off in the middle of the night.

You have never been jolted out of a deep sleep until you’ve been awakened by the Motorola pagers we use to tell us there’s an alarm. Maybe having an Australian Shepherd jump on your head is comparable , but that’s a story for another day. The video below gives you an idea of the sound you hear when there’s a call. Turn your speakers ALL THE WAY UP for the full effect:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b2TKmNG5ZQ]

That would get your sorry butt out of bed, wouldn’t it?

The good news: the second that pager beeps I am responding to a call. So if it goes off and I stand up and keel over dead or fall down the stairs or something it’s considered a line of duty death. In that case I’ll be entitled to the big fancy firefighter funeral —but unfortunately I’ll be way too dead to enjoy it.

Got a Light?

You can buy a Zippo lighter for about $15 —but this one can’t be replaced. It belonged to my father.

He died in 1990 at 62-years-old. That’s too young. Smoking cigarettes probably had something to do with it and a lot of those cigarettes were lit with this lighter. You might feel that makes for an inappropriate memento, but that’s really reading too much into things. Believe it or not, smoking was once viewed as normal in America and smokers were not shunned, forced outdoors, or demonized the way they are today.

The lid on my dad’s lighter is a bit wobbly and I’m concerned it will fall off, so I’m thinking I might wrap it up and mail it back to Zippo. In Bradford, Pennsylvania, where they are are manufactured, Zippo has a special corner of the plant where they do nothing but repair their products. Unlike us, the Zippo Windproof Lighter carries a lifetime guarantee.

Deer Season

If my wife Ann made a list of things she does not ever want to see on our front lawn, light-up animated reindeer would be number two right behind junk cars. But if there’s one thing I love, it’s a deal and at $10 each how could I say no? And if there’s anything I love more than a deal it’s a surprise —so when she got home last night there they were grazing in the snow. See how they’ve dug it away to get at my lawn? Pesky deer! When I’m sent to live in the basement they’ll make nice decorations.

Lawn Deer

Wes Welker Is Awesome

I’m hardly a big New England Patriots fan, but you’ve gotta love Wes Welker. 

The 5’9″  wide receiver went undrafted in 2004, made the Chargers but was cut, and finally got a slot playing special teams on the Dolphins. Since joining the Pats in 2007 he has excelled as one of the league’s hardest working, most consistent players. Regular guys can look at Wes Welker and see someone who’s living the dream. They all said he didn’t have the size or the talent, but personally, I’ll give you three Terrell Ownens for one Wes Welker.

Sunday Welker was slammed with an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the Patriots game against the Cardinals. Why? After scoring a touchdown he laid down in the end zone an made a snow angel. How seasonal.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yU8aCzzF1Ns]