Keep Stalling

Men are blessed with the ability to relieve themselves almost anywhere: behind bushes, in bottles, between cars, seated in football stadiums, in the subway… you get the idea. But here’s a case where you’re trying to do your thing where you should be doing it and you’re in plain sight anyway.

The men’s room at my new office has an electric door opener for those with physical disabilities. Well, it seems that some men on my floor (like the lawyers down the hall) enjoy using the electric opener so they don’t have to touch the handle. Fine —but it just so happens that this leaves the urinal user exposed and in plain site for a very long time, like to the folks getting off the elevator. See for yourself:

That’s ten seconds of exposure.

Look, I understand not wanting to touch the door handle, but come on guys, can I get a little privacy here? If you’re a germaphobe or something just push the door open with your elbow —and when you’re done use a paper towel to pull the handle from the other side. That’s not unreasonable.

8 Simple Rules For Walking On My Hardwood Floors

FloorsTo my family: As we near the completion of the flooring project this would be a good time to point out a thing or two. Brazilian cherry is known for its beauty and durability -indeed it’s renowned as an extremely hard hardwood- but to preserve the quality of this material and honor the tireless work that went into its installation certain steps must be taken:

  1. No high heels. Some of us remember the dimples they left on the floors in Albany and it wasn’t pretty.
  2. No soccer cleats. That may sound like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.
  3. Do not carry items that are sharp or have angular edges while traversing the Brazilian cherry.
  4. No open flames are allowed in rooms with the new flooring.
  5. It is impractical to keep the dogs off the floors and it would be cruel to have them de-clawed so they must wear Muttluks Hott Doggers Dog Boots or other approved footwear.
  6. Please stay on the runners and area rugs and avoid stepping the exposed wood portion of the floor.
  7. Promptly wipe up standing water.
  8. Immediately report any incidents involving the floor. You are better off fessing up immediately than being caught later.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Tool Time

A lot of paint cans are now made of plastic and if you try prying them open with a screwdriver you butcher the lid. That’s why I picked up one of those little metal tools for popping open the cans that you always see at the paint counter. Works like a charm —and I also discovered what the round end is for: opening beer bottles.

This makes perfect sense. Adding a little beer makes paint go on smoother and contributes to the overall quality of the project. And nobody ever cut off their fingers off while painting.
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Don’t Drink the Water

Not Poland Spring Sparkling Spring Water With Lemon Essence

This I guarantee: the fluid in that bottle is not Poland Spring Sparkling Spring Water with Lemon Essence. Oh sure, it may have once been deliciously crisp and refreshing sparkling water with a hint of citrus —but it isn’t anymore.

I saw this bottle in the parking lot at work and just had to take a picture. Why? Because it tells us something interesting about men: we can pee anywhere at anytime, even in the car.  Maybe the idea of  urinating in the car sounds revolting but believe me, it can be handy in a pinch.

Anyway, there are two things to remember if you are going to pee in a bottle in your car: first, Gatorade bottles are much easier to use. Second, please properly dispose of urine filled containers. Thank you for your cooperation.

Got a Light?

You can buy a Zippo lighter for about $15 —but this one can’t be replaced. It belonged to my father.

He died in 1990 at 62-years-old. That’s too young. Smoking cigarettes probably had something to do with it and a lot of those cigarettes were lit with this lighter. You might feel that makes for an inappropriate memento, but that’s really reading too much into things. Believe it or not, smoking was once viewed as normal in America and smokers were not shunned, forced outdoors, or demonized the way they are today.

The lid on my dad’s lighter is a bit wobbly and I’m concerned it will fall off, so I’m thinking I might wrap it up and mail it back to Zippo. In Bradford, Pennsylvania, where they are are manufactured, Zippo has a special corner of the plant where they do nothing but repair their products. Unlike us, the Zippo Windproof Lighter carries a lifetime guarantee.

Slice of Life

Violence isn’t funny, but I just can’t help it: I love stories about women with knives.

Woman Arrested in Bremerton Knife Incident
A woman was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon Wednesday for allegedly threatening her boyfriend with a knife. The 55-year-old man said he awoke at his Country Lane apartment to find the 34-year-old woman holding a butcher knife to his neck. The man, who said he’s in poor health and has one year to live, said the girlfriend was upset because she thinks he’s having an affair with his caregiver. He denied that and said his medical problems prevent it.

Easton woman arrested after allegedly threatening man with knife, hitting him with broomstick
A 25-year-old Easton woman was arrested after she allegedly threatened a man with a knife and hit him with a broomstick Monday. Amelia Napoli of the first block of North Fourth Street was arrested at her home after the alleged domestic incident, according to a news release issued this morning. Police said Napoli threatened Carlton Duval at 7:25 a.m.

Woman displays knife during fight
A Fremont woman was arrested early this morning after displaying a knife during a family argument, Fremont Police reported. Brooke Mulford, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, Class III misdemeanors. Lt. Jeff Elliott said officers were dispatched at 2:15 a.m. to a home in the 800 block of W. Tenth Street where Mulford was accused of displaying a knife while fighting with family members. When officers arrived, she already had been disarmed.

Altercation ends in mother’s arrest
A Monroe woman was arrested Monday night after she allegedly tried to stab her daughter with a knife after a verbal altercation. Linda Bowman, 52, of 1612 S. First St., was taken to Richwood Correctional Center, where she allegedly refused to give her name. After the officer searched her, he found a crack pipe in a cigarette carton, according to the arrest affidavit.

Yonkers woman, 80, accused of making threats with knife
An 80-year-old Yonkers woman is facing menacing and weapons charges after she was accused of threatening another tenant in her Warburton Avenue apartment building with a kitchen knife, police said.
Ann Pelligilini of 650 Warburton Ave. is charged with menacing and fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon, both misdemeanors.

This Week In the Cutlery Department

Alright, it’s been established that if a woman gets angry she may use her shoe to attack you —but if she gets really, really angry she’s heading for the kitchen.

NORWICH, Conn. – A Norwich woman was arrested Wednesday night on charges she slashed a man with a meat cleaver during a domestic dispute. 

WOODSTOCK, Ont. – Police have a woman in custody after a downtown stabbing early Thursday morning. A 45-year-old man was rushed to hospital around 12 a.m., after an altercation with a known suspect at a Dundas Street apartment. The Oxford Community Police Service said the man was found near Museum Square suffering from multiple stab wounds to the neck, back and chest after fleeing the residence. 

GLASGOW, W.Va. – A Glasgow woman has been charged with throwing a knife and other kitchen utensils at the father of her children. Rachael Renee Payne, 28, is being held at South Central Regional Jail.

WARRINGTON, Pa. -It’s the season for scary movies, but a woman with a knife chasing a Warrington man Saturday afternoon was frighteningly real, police said.  Kathy Sala, 49, wielded the knife as she chased a running man and the dog he was carrying down the 2200 block of Pileggi Road about 3:15 p.m., according to a criminal complaint released Wednesday.

SHREWSBURY, Mass. – A 29-year-old woman was arrested this week for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend with a kitchen knife. Lisa M. Zschuschen, of 12 Anglin Lane, allegedly broke into the home at that address about 9:30 Tuesday morning and attacked a sleeping Douglas R. White, identified in a police report as her romantic partner of four years.

The Truth About Women

The truth about women is that women rule the world. They are sensible and sane, and when driven to action they are extremely effective. Don’t cross them. The Glens Falls Post Star this morning reports:

FORT ANN — A 43-year-old woman has been charged with felony assault for allegedly beating a man with a piece of lumber, police said. Barbara A. Weaver, of Route 40, allegedly hit a man she knows in the back of the head twice, causing injuries that required treatment at Glens Falls Hospital.

Ouch. Wonder if she read our item about choosing the right wood for the job?

As for women being effective, watch this video of a woman catching a bat in her house. Yeah, that’s cool —but look closely and you can see her male companion cowering outside the door, handing her the bat catching supplies. Dude!


Tater Shots

Last week we told you about the local cop in trouble for allegedly firing his potato gun at work. Today the TU has a B1 item that digs deeper into potato gun culture. The David Filkins story -his beat includes dumb guy stuff- makes it clear that spud shooting may be fun, but:

That does not mean penalties are less severe for those who use a potato cannon rather than a gun to commit a crime. Killing someone with a potato instead of a bullet would not mean a lighter sentence.

Interesting. I wonder if Dr. Michael Baden could determine that someone was killed by a potato, even if the potato had decomposed? Anyway, Filkins caught flack last Fall for writing about a Delmar man whose hobby is speeding on the Northway. People will probably complain that today’s story encourages kids to build potato guns —as if there aren’t enough examples of potato gun fun (and mayhem) on YouTube.