Important Advice For Men #48

Gentlemen: if you’re going to say or do something stupid it’s best not do so when there are knives within reach. For example:

ROGERSVILLE, TN – A Hawkins County woman was charged Monday with aggravated domestic assault after she allegedly stabbed her husband in the face during an altercation while making lunch. The alleged victim, Jeremy Trent, told Hilton that he was in a verbal dispute with his wife when he called her an ugly name. Kingsport Times-News

SCRANTON, PA – A city woman was arrested early Tuesday for allegedly threatening her ex-husband with a knife. Katherine Miraval, 25, of Depot Street was charged with aggravated assault, burglary and reckless endangerment. Ms. Miraval allegedly woke Mr. Palomares by entering his bedroom with a 12-inch kitchen knife, saying they would either rekindle their relationship or both die. Scranton Times Tribune

WATERTOWN, NY – Renee E. Gokey, 38, of 235 Central St., was charged by Watertown police Tuesday with second-degree menacing, third-degree criminal possession of a weapon, second-degree harassment, first-degree unlawful imprisonment and resisting arrest. Police alleged she punched her boyfriend, Robert C. Rennie, 38, in the back of the head, tackled him, pointed a large bowie knife and stated “I will kill you before you leave” during an incident in their

LAKE KATRINE, NY – A man was stabbed by his girlfriend Thursday morning but lied to investigators about who attacked him in an effort to protect the woman, according to the town police chief. The man, Adam Alo, 21, was stabbed with a steak knife in the upper chest and left arm and suffered non-life-threatening injuries, according to the town of Ulster Police Department. Alo’s girlfriend, Shaquan London, 20, of Leggs Mill Road, was arrested later in the day, charged with felony assault and sent to the Ulster County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail, police said. Kingston Daily Freeman

AUSTIN, MN – A 21-year-old Austin woman is accused of slashing a man in the back with a knife, biting him in the chest and smashing his vehicle’s windows with a baseball bat Saturday night. Juana Viviana Lopez, is charged with single felony counts of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon and making terroristic threats, as well as a lesser count of fourth-degree property damage. The man told police Lopez was upset because he still was married to a woman in Mexico. In a police interview, the man said he was almost asleep when Lopez attacked him. As he tried to get away, Lopez allegedly kicked him in the groin and grabbed a kitchen knife, saying, “I’m going to kill you.” He ran outside but was chased by Lopez for a block, the complaint says. Austin Post-Bulletin

The Witching Hour

Some say that a Halloween costume is a window into the soul that reveals your subconscious mind. Let’s hope not.

I had planned to dress as a Jedi knight for a party last Saturday night but somewhere along the line things went terribly awry. Instead of a wise and noble warrior with a light saber I somehow ended up as a witch. Think Dame Edna meets Margaret Hamilton meets Janeane Garofalo.

Half the fun of Halloween is making your costume and the most interesting part of this project was filling the $5 bra that came from WalMart. 44D, since I know you’re wondering. After doing extensive research on the internet I found that stuffing a stocking with rice is a method favored by frugal transvestites everywhere. Don’t look this up at work. As you can see here I weighed them to guarantee uniformity.

Overall the project was a big success and fortunately I was only hit on once. The next morning I was feeling a little off from the late night and rich food. My wife, Ann, quipped, “Maybe you’re getting your period.”

Ha ha.

The Insidious Power of the Internet

Could it be that the world economic crisis has something to do with the internet?

Really, think about it.

The web has done immeasurable harm to productivity by offering something infinitely more interesting than work. The trouble is that people just aren’t paying attention to things anymore because there are too many online distractions.

Imagine if everyone who was supposed be keeping an eye on the subprime mortgages were instead managing their fantasy baseball teams, following eBay auctions, and goofing around on Facebook. Meanwhile the residential mortgage market was falling to pieces. Oops!

There was a time when you wouldn’t dream of sitting at your desk and reading the paper. That would have been seen as the the ultimate in F-you I’m Goofing Off At Work behavior. Today the internet is the new reading the paper at work —and it’s out of control.

And why wouldn’t it be out of control? Is your job really more interesting than things like Popeater’s list of Top Ten Twins? By the way Kim Deal and her sister Kelley of The Breeders are on there. At 48 they still rock  which is something I find very comforting. Here’s they are back in 1993:


Slice of Life

Violence isn’t funny, but I just can’t help it: I love stories about women with knives.

Woman Arrested in Bremerton Knife Incident
A woman was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon Wednesday for allegedly threatening her boyfriend with a knife. The 55-year-old man said he awoke at his Country Lane apartment to find the 34-year-old woman holding a butcher knife to his neck. The man, who said he’s in poor health and has one year to live, said the girlfriend was upset because she thinks he’s having an affair with his caregiver. He denied that and said his medical problems prevent it.

Easton woman arrested after allegedly threatening man with knife, hitting him with broomstick
A 25-year-old Easton woman was arrested after she allegedly threatened a man with a knife and hit him with a broomstick Monday. Amelia Napoli of the first block of North Fourth Street was arrested at her home after the alleged domestic incident, according to a news release issued this morning. Police said Napoli threatened Carlton Duval at 7:25 a.m.

Woman displays knife during fight
A Fremont woman was arrested early this morning after displaying a knife during a family argument, Fremont Police reported. Brooke Mulford, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, Class III misdemeanors. Lt. Jeff Elliott said officers were dispatched at 2:15 a.m. to a home in the 800 block of W. Tenth Street where Mulford was accused of displaying a knife while fighting with family members. When officers arrived, she already had been disarmed.

Altercation ends in mother’s arrest
A Monroe woman was arrested Monday night after she allegedly tried to stab her daughter with a knife after a verbal altercation. Linda Bowman, 52, of 1612 S. First St., was taken to Richwood Correctional Center, where she allegedly refused to give her name. After the officer searched her, he found a crack pipe in a cigarette carton, according to the arrest affidavit.

Yonkers woman, 80, accused of making threats with knife
An 80-year-old Yonkers woman is facing menacing and weapons charges after she was accused of threatening another tenant in her Warburton Avenue apartment building with a kitchen knife, police said.
Ann Pelligilini of 650 Warburton Ave. is charged with menacing and fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon, both misdemeanors.

Deer Season

If my wife Ann made a list of things she does not ever want to see on our front lawn, light-up animated reindeer would be number two right behind junk cars. But if there’s one thing I love, it’s a deal and at $10 each how could I say no? And if there’s anything I love more than a deal it’s a surprise —so when she got home last night there they were grazing in the snow. See how they’ve dug it away to get at my lawn? Pesky deer! When I’m sent to live in the basement they’ll make nice decorations.

Lawn Deer

Out Foxed

I’m not much of a runner, but I still manage to get out there. I do it in all weather all year round —but I will never, ever again think that I’m hardcore -even for a second- after reading this story:

Arizona: Jogger Attacked by Rabid Fox
A jogger was attacked by a rabid fox, ran a mile with the animal’s jaws clamped on her arm and then drove herself to a hospital, the authorities said. The Yavapai County sheriff’s office said the woman told deputies that she was on a trail near Prescott on Monday when the fox attacked and bit her foot. The woman said that she grabbed the fox by the neck when it went for her leg but that it bit her arm. The woman wanted the animal tested for rabies so she ran a mile to her car with the fox still biting her arm, then pried the animal off and tossed it in her trunk and drove to the Prescott hospital. The sheriff’s office said the fox later bit an animal-control officer. He and the woman are both receiving rabies vaccinations.

By the way: runners get all bent out of shape when you call them “joggers” —especially if they have a fox hanging off their arm.

This Week In the Cutlery Department

Alright, it’s been established that if a woman gets angry she may use her shoe to attack you —but if she gets really, really angry she’s heading for the kitchen.

NORWICH, Conn. – A Norwich woman was arrested Wednesday night on charges she slashed a man with a meat cleaver during a domestic dispute. 

WOODSTOCK, Ont. – Police have a woman in custody after a downtown stabbing early Thursday morning. A 45-year-old man was rushed to hospital around 12 a.m., after an altercation with a known suspect at a Dundas Street apartment. The Oxford Community Police Service said the man was found near Museum Square suffering from multiple stab wounds to the neck, back and chest after fleeing the residence. 

GLASGOW, W.Va. – A Glasgow woman has been charged with throwing a knife and other kitchen utensils at the father of her children. Rachael Renee Payne, 28, is being held at South Central Regional Jail.

WARRINGTON, Pa. -It’s the season for scary movies, but a woman with a knife chasing a Warrington man Saturday afternoon was frighteningly real, police said.  Kathy Sala, 49, wielded the knife as she chased a running man and the dog he was carrying down the 2200 block of Pileggi Road about 3:15 p.m., according to a criminal complaint released Wednesday.

SHREWSBURY, Mass. – A 29-year-old woman was arrested this week for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend with a kitchen knife. Lisa M. Zschuschen, of 12 Anglin Lane, allegedly broke into the home at that address about 9:30 Tuesday morning and attacked a sleeping Douglas R. White, identified in a police report as her romantic partner of four years.

If The Shoe Hits…

Here’s a little advice: If she gets angry and takes off her shoe? Run.

WEST OCEAN CITY — An Ocean City woman faces assault charges after she allegedly struck a Pirates Cove employee with a shoe, causing injury to his face, and caused a disturbance at the bar with another employee of Pirates Cove on Tuesday. Worcester County Times 9/4/08

BOSTON — A woman was attacked by another woman with a high-heeled shoe and a pint glass in a Nantucket bar over the weekend, according to the Cape Cod Times. Laurie Ray, 36, faced charges Monday of mayhem and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon with intent to maim or disfigure. WCVB-TV 8/28/08

EAST STROUDSBURG –A 22-year-old woman smashed a man in the face with her shoe after he tried to kiss her Friday while she was walking home on Greentree Drive, Stroud Area Regional police said. Police said they found the man, Obispo Lopez-Diaz, 22, of Morristown, N.J., at a gas station on Prospect Street and charged him with indecent assault, stalking, simple assault, harassment and public drunkenness. When police arrived, they saw Lopez-Diaz had an indentation on his face that was ”consistent with being struck with heel of a shoe,” police said. The Morning Call 8/17/08

LINCOLN –A Lincoln woman is behind bars after police say she attacked a man with her high heel shoe. According to witnesses, a 21-year-old man was playing beer pong at a party when Connie Phillips, 22, punched him several times, then hit him in the forehead with her stiletto heel, causing a 1.5-inch gash and knocking him out. KOLN-TV 8/17/08

The Truth About Women

The truth about women is that women rule the world. They are sensible and sane, and when driven to action they are extremely effective. Don’t cross them. The Glens Falls Post Star this morning reports:

FORT ANN — A 43-year-old woman has been charged with felony assault for allegedly beating a man with a piece of lumber, police said. Barbara A. Weaver, of Route 40, allegedly hit a man she knows in the back of the head twice, causing injuries that required treatment at Glens Falls Hospital.

Ouch. Wonder if she read our item about choosing the right wood for the job?

As for women being effective, watch this video of a woman catching a bat in her house. Yeah, that’s cool —but look closely and you can see her male companion cowering outside the door, handing her the bat catching supplies. Dude!