Doomsday Prepper

Look, when you get to be my age, you’re going to be subjected to all sorts of dire things. Like a colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy, as you probably know, is when they pass a camera inside you and have a look where the sun don’t shine. The good news is that you’re totally out of it during all of this, in fact, moments after sedation, you don’t care what they do to you.

Many people will tell you that preparing for these tests is an odious ordeal. They’re half right.

My prep required a day of non-solid foods capped off by a giant dose of laxatives. The first half, the liquid diet,  was not so bad, but the second half was no walk in the park. In fact, a walk in the park that’s the last thing you should do after taking a giant dose of laxatives.

Here’s my delicious lunch of mango Jell-O and chicken broth. Good stuff.

lunch

And hey! I have some pictures from inside my colon if you’d like to see them. No?

Some of you are saying, “Whoa, Rob! TMI!” Nonsense. This is a routine medical procedure and you’d be crazy not to do it. Colon cancer doesn’t get the sort of high-profile attention as other health risks, perhaps because it’s not a very glamorous region of your body. This is nothing to be squeamish about — and it could save your life.

By the way, hats off to the doctors and nurses who do this all day long.  You think you deal with a lot of assholes all day long?

4 responses to “Doomsday Prepper

  1. While I’ve only had one (got the prep of the day award!), I think there’s one indispensable tip: schedule the thing around Noon if possible. Since you’ve got to complete the final round of laxatives four to six hours before the procedure, if you schedule it first thing in the morning, you’ll be up at 3 am drinking a big ol’ jug of Gatorade with the oh-so-mucilaginous laxative added to it. Best to have a normal night’s sleep before the ordeal.

    And no, I don’t understand why they give the pictures either, although they make for a fine conversation piece.

    • Yes, perfect advice! I was drinking the MiraLAX at 4am. Delicious.

      I thought about asking for a video to post here on the blog — or stealing a video from somewhere and claiming it as mine!

  2. You’re last post title would have worked here too!

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