So let’s just say that a guy turned 60 in November — does that mean that he can’t claim he’s middle aged any more? Asking for a friend.
You see, my friend aches all over like he was beaten with pool cues by a gang of Hell’s Angels. And he’s getting mail from AARP. And he’s taking a handful of pills and supplements and antacids every day. And he’s having some — oh, never mind that one.
He says he’s old, but I don’t know. This guy doesn’t seem that old and people assume he’s a lot younger. But he says the numbers don’t lie, and he has a lot less time ahead of him than he does behind. “My father was dead at 62,” he mused. “By that standard, I’m dead within two years.”
So, anyway Merriam-Webster defines middle aged as, “people between the age of about 40 and the age of about 60.” Wikipedia says, “the period of age beyond young adulthood but before the onset of old age.” That’s vague. Other references call it at 64.
All this talk makes me wonder if it’s time to rethink the tag line at the top of this page:
The fascinating world of a middle aged American man.
People say that age doesn’t matter. They wouldn’t question my use of “middle aged,” but they might take issue with “fascinating.”
I’ve never been part of a protest like the ones we’re seeing around America lately. It’s not that I don’t care about important social issues, but I think it makes more sense to pay attention to the circle immediately around you and the things that you can personally affect.
A lot of people who walk around with a cardboard sign never do anything to improve their community, like commiting their time or treasure to make a real difference. But hey, protests are fun and they make you feel good about yourself. And they’re probably great if you’re single, too.
They’re a contingent of activists in Portland who have been showing up at protests to fight tear gas with lawn machines. When gas is deployed they muster up and deploy it back in the other direction with their leaf blowers. Nifty. It was such a good idea, that the cops started carrying their own leaf blowers to blow the fumes back in the intended direction. It’s a Mexican standoff of sorts. Sorry — is that culturally insensitive?
So, yes, maybe I could be persuaded to join a protest if I can bring a leaf blower. Waving around a sign is not my style, but a leaf blower? Now your talking.
Itâ€™s very satisfying to look back on the year and know that you successfully fulfilled your New Yearâ€™s resolution. Mine for 2019? Eat more beans.
Yes, beans. I canâ€™t tell you how many cans of beans Iâ€™ve popped open over the past twelve months, but this was clearly the year of the legume. Black beans, kidney beans, cannellini, pinto beans. I didnâ€™t eat them right out of the can, like a hobo, but the prep was always rather spartan. Mostly for lunch, always drained and rinsed, mixed with a little salsa, leftover chicken, or whatever I could throw in there.
Today, I bid farewell to the year with kidney beans with some rotisserie turkey breast from Hannaford.
What else about the year, besides the beans?
Iâ€™ve grown more grateful of how blessed I am to have a beautiful family who love me â€“ and sometimes my feelings toward those I care about bubble up in surprising ways. Iâ€™ve had to assure more than one person on the receiving end that Iâ€™m not dying or in the midst of a crisis.
A laser-like focus on whatâ€™s really important in my life caused me to set some things aside that were not a productive use of my time. Fewer tweets. Not much blogging. Hardly any local talk radio. Less and less TV. And I donâ€™t feel that Iâ€™m missing anything.
Iâ€™ve remained relatively healthy for a man my age. I attribute this to a heightened awareness that the grim reaper is lurking behind every tree. I still run, but Iâ€™ve also added weight lifting to the mix, something Iâ€™ve never done in all my years. Itâ€™s humbling to discover how weak you are, but the slow and steady progress is rewarding.
Also of note, this year did not seem to zip by like so many others. Is it possible that time is slowing down? Letâ€™s hope so.
Finally, a word about the ailing barred owl I rescued off the street in Albany. We originally called her Hoota, but I later decided that Owly McBeal is a better name. She spent two months in rehab at a local vetâ€™s office, but they never exactly figured out what was wrong with her. They think Owly may have hit the side of a building, but maybe she was just weary. Perhaps owls get worn down by the day-to-day humdrum of owlhood, the way life grinds away at us sometimes. It could be she just needed a new perspective, a shot in the arm (wing?) to help her see her life and the world with a fresh eye.
Either way, sheâ€™s off somewhere in the wild now. When I stand on my back porch at night, I can hear barred owls calling from the woods. Maybe Owly McBeal is there, peering out into the darkness, ready to fly into another year.
Whatâ€™s the best thing about the internet? The bottomless pit of news? The endless shopping? Porno for every taste, no matter how obscure and perverse? Yes, those are all wonderful, but for my money, the best thing about the internet might be how-to videos.
It used to be that if you wanted to fix something you needed some special knowledge or training, but today you just need YouTube.
An example: Over the weekend our clothes dryer crapped out. The drum was spinning just fine and it was getting warm, but there was no air blowing out the vent and the clothes wouldnâ€™t dry. What to do? Consult the internet.
My search results brought a flood of answers that pointed to a single problem: an issue with the blower belt. After watching several videos, I learned how to take the front panel off the machine and what to look for. As promised in one of the videos, the belt was laying loose and next to it was a pulley which had come free. Replace and tighten the pulley, re-attach the belt, put it all back together and we were in business.
What would it have cost to pay someone to do this job? Even for a minor repair, youâ€™re looking at a minimum fee just to have the guy show up, so Iâ€™m guessing $150 or more for the whole thing.
I spent more time watching videos than actually doing the work. Some of these are slick productions — sometimes posted by companies who sell parts — but more often itâ€™s just Joe Handyman. There might be some money in these videos considering how popular they are. Hereâ€™s a low-end example; it’s rough, but helpful:
The bottom line? Instead of picking up the phone to call someone, pick up the phone and watch a few videos. You might be surprised at how simple and easy it is to fix a problem yourself. It feels good to repair something and will impress your loved ones. If the Maytag repairman was bored thirty years ago, today heâ€™d absolutely lose his mind.
My name is Rob and I own a cat. But wait, I also have a dog!
Look, I usually go my own way with head held high, but the matter of cats and dogs stirs some uneasy feelings. There’s a subtle prejudice in our culture about men with cats that’s cut with sexism and old stereotypes. In a nutshell, it’s the idea that cats are feminine, dogs are masculine and a guy with a cat — particularly a single guy — is not a manly man.
Don’t get mad at me, I’m just telling you what I’ve observed. And if you don’t believe it, read what Kristi Gustafson Barlette wrote on the topic. She stopped just shy of calling it “creepy,” for God’s sake.
You might think that as a married man with a dog none of this would phase me, but the cat stigma has affected my behavior. Here’s the thing: when I go to the pet store and buy two dozen cans of cat food, I’m always sure to throw in a dog item so the clerk doesn’t judge me over my pet proclivity.
Dog treats, dog toys, various dog accessories and dog chewy things — as long as it’s clearly for a dog. I’ve even held up an item and said to the cashier, “My DOG is going to love this!”
Yes, that’s nuts.
What can I say? Blame society for this cruel view of men and cats. It benefits no one — except maybe for my dog. She loves it.
Something came over me last Friday and I texted my friend Tom.
He’s been starting off the year with the Lake George Polar Plunge for more than a decade and he’s been after me to join him for a while. I’d never quite managed to pull it together, but this year would be different.
So — why start during a cold snap that’s made the past few weeks downright miserable? Some things can’t be explained, and this is one of them.
It was quite a sight as people started gathering on the beach: they were a mix of young and old, men and women all dressed more for an ice fishing shanty than a day at the beach. There a lot of energy in the air , very much like what you feel before a road race. But this was no 5K. As we stood on the shore watching the volunteers slide big sheets of ice away from the waterfront, some of the plungers started to wonder if they’s started 2018 by making a very bad decision.
I didn’t expect a walk in the park; a quick glance at my Google search history will reveal various combinations of the terms “cold,” “freezing water,” “shock,” “hypothermia” and “heart attacks.”
As the mintues ticked down, the clothes started coming off. Soon I was standing in my bathing suit, water shoes, gloves and a knit cap. There were jokes that my body hair would keep me warm. If only.
When it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go. When my time came I stormed into the water and went out as far as the safety crew in their cold water suits . It wasn’t terribly deep, so I crouched a bit to bring the water up to my chin. At first it wasn’t so bad — hell, the water was 30 degrees warmer than the air — but it didn’t take long for a weird combination of numbness and burning to begin taking hold of my legs. Time to get out.
Once in dry clothes I felt pretty great, deeply refreshed and oddly renewed.
I thought my friend Tom was pulling my leg when he went on about cleansing away the old year and prparing for the one to come, but he wasn’t kidding. And my penis didn’t break off, so that’s also a big plus.
On our way home from getting the tree, we passed another car on their way home from the same mission.
The other car’s tree was secured with a cheap piece of frayed twine that looked like it would snap at any moment. I was sure the tree would tumble to the road on the first sharp turn.
I try not to be judgmental, but the ability to tie things down is a fair measure of one’s competence.
My wife wanted me to honk and alert them.
I refused. “No. He needs to learn.”
My tree? There was a ratchet strap across the middle holding it snug to the roof and then a heavy nylon rope to keep it from pivoting. I could roll the car over and that tree would still be attached to the roof.
It wasn’t exactly pretty; no sailor would be impressed with these knots, but they were secure.
People get stressed out at Christmas, but the key to having a nice holiday is to accept that there are some things you can control and some things you can’t.
Accept the things you can’t control, and you’ll be happier — tying a tree to your car is something you can control, so don’t screw it up.
Iâ€™ve listened to Prairie Home Companion for more than thirty years, but it wasnâ€™t until a few summers ago that I got to see the show live at Tanglewood.
When I heard the words, â€œFrom American Public Media,â€ in the canned open, chills ran down my spine. Within the first few notes of the showâ€™s signature song, Tishomingo Blues, I swear to god, a tear ran down my cheek.
The show was great â€“ everything I expected â€“ but both me and my wife were struck by something: Garrison Keillor seemed to be unusually intimate with a young women he sang with on several numbers. Watching them, I thought that they were either involved romantically (eww) or he was hopelessly in love with her. Letâ€™s put it this way, his attention wasnâ€™t grandfatherly, unless your grandfather is Roy Moore.
I saw sexual harassment up-close once when an employee complained about unwanted attention from an older, male co-worker. This was not he said/she said. There was plain evidence that a line was crossed, and it even extended to outside the workplace.
I took the matter to my boss and it was quickly elevated to corporate HR. The people in that office (the ones who made us take endless sexual harassment training) then made it all go away. They basically told the complainant that she should first go to her co-worker and explain that she was not interested in his advances.
Yes, they told the woman who complained to go deal with the creepy fucker on her own. Good job, HR!
Look, there are no easy answers to all this. Maybe the current climate will bring change. If you have sons, teach them this: Treat women with respect, behave like a gentleman and keep your filthy mitts to yourself.
Look, when you get to be my age, you’re going to be subjected to all sorts of dire things. Like a colonoscopy.
A colonoscopy, as you probably know, is whenÂ they pass a camera inside you and have a look where the sun don’t shine. The good news is that you’re totally out of it during all of this, in fact, moments after sedation, you don’t care what they do to you.
Many people will tell you that preparing for these tests is an odious ordeal. They’re half right.
My prep required a day of non-solid foods capped off by a giant dose of laxatives. The first half, the liquid diet, Â was not so bad, butÂ the second half was no walk in the park. In fact, a walk in the park that’s the last thing you should do after taking a giant dose of laxatives.
Here’s my delicious lunch of mango Jell-O and chicken broth. Good stuff.
And hey!Â I have some pictures from inside my colon if you’d like to see them. No?
Some of you are saying, “Whoa, Rob! TMI!” Nonsense. This is a routine medical procedure and you’d be crazy not to do it. Colon cancer doesn’t get the sort of high-profile attention as other health risks, perhaps because it’s not a very glamorous region of your body. This is nothing to be squeamish about — and it could save your life.
By the way, hats off to the doctors and nurses who do this all day long. Â You think you deal with a lot of assholes all day long?