Thank You For Flying Delta

As a safety geek I take the emergency exits in airplanes very seriously. Whenever possible I sit in the exit seat. And if the exit seat is not available, the exit row. No seats in the exit row? Put me in an adjacent row.

During a flight to Atlanta Wednesday I was in the hot seat and prepared to do my duty in case we needed to evacuate the plane. All was good with the world until I looked over and saw this lady sitting in the opposite exit seat. No offense to grandma but I don’t want to count on an 85 year-old-woman to help me get out of that airplane.

When the flight attendant came over to instruct us on our duties I pointed this out to him.Â At 47 I haven’t quite mastered keeping my trap shut. “That woman won’t be able to handleÂ the door,” I said.

He completely ignored me.

Just in case you’re curious there’s a full page of things the flight crew are supposed to do to make sure passengers can handle the exit. He did none of them. I don’t blame him for not wanting to create a hassle —and who knows, may that old lady is in better shape than I am. I will say this though: if it comes down to me or her it’s gonna be me.

8 Simple Rules For Walking On My Hardwood Floors

To my family: As we near the completion of the flooring project this would be a good time to point out a thing or two. Brazilian cherry is known for its beauty and durability -indeed it’s renowned as an extremely hard hardwood- but to preserve the quality of this material and honor the tireless work that went into its installation certain steps must be taken:

No high heels. Some of us remember the dimples they left on the floors in Albany and it wasn’t pretty.
No soccer cleats. That may sound like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.
Do not carry items that are sharp or have angular edges while traversing the Brazilian cherry.
No open flames are allowed in rooms with the new flooring.
It is impractical to keep the dogs off the floors and it would be cruel to have them de-clawed so they must wear Muttluks Hott Doggers Dog Boots or other approved footwear.
Please stay on the runners and area rugs and avoid stepping the exposed wood portion of the floor.
Promptly wipe up standing water.
Immediately report any incidents involving the floor. You are better off fessing up immediately than being caught later.

Thank you for your cooperation.

NFB

People at home were getting nervous —and they started in with the disclaimers. Zack or Ann would go, “This is not for your blog, but…” Or they’d do something funny and then warn me after that it better not show up on Keyboard Krumbs.

I will not have my home be a place where people are afraid to speak their mind. No one should worry that they’ll be ridiculed for asking a question or expressing themselves in any way. As for the blog, certain things are off limits. And this is why I have established the Not For Blog rule.

Under Not For Blog (NFB), everyone has a yellow flag which they may throw once a week, declaring something NFB. If they see me looking at them funny, or worse yet taking notes, the yellow flag can be used to negate my right to publish it on the blog.

Conversely, I have the right to overrule four NFB calls per month. This is exercised by throwing a red flag I keep tucked in my sock, Bill Belichick style. Weekly NFB declarations may not be carried over and accumulated, but I can use my four overrules any time I like and on anyone I wish. This brings into question the matter of strategy. Do you save your NFB overrules until the last week, or use them as you go along?

I’ve decided to save them because this keeps people on their toes. And since the end of the month is approaching, I’d advise everybody to think before opening their mouths.

Over the Top

I’m not sure washing my hands thirty-six times a day makes me obsessive compulsive. Nor do I think there’s anything wrong with organizing the items on the supermarket conveyor belt as seen in the attached diagram that I bring shopping on a laminated card. But Ann says the toilet paper thing is weird. I can’t abide the TP hanging wall side down, because it doesn’t look right —and after all, do you really want your toilet paper touching the wall? This is no trouble at home, where the family has been trained in proper toilet paper deployment, but sometimes you’ll go into other people’s homes and find that they have carelessly displayed the paper in the underhand position. If you see this, do what I do: just go ahead and change it. If you don’t believe I’d do that, invite me over. And while there, I’d be happy to show you the correct way to load your dishwasher.